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Chancellor Jones Sends Mass Email, Sorority Girl Replies, ‘I Have a Boyfriend’

By now, University of Illinois students are used to the abundance of emails they receive each semester from Chancellor Jones. This week, UIUC sophomore and member of Alpha Gamma Gamma sorority Lisa Marie mistook Jones’ email about diversity and inclusivity for personal and inappropriate advances.

“The email said, ‘Dear Students, Staff, and Faculty’ and I know he knows I’m a student,” said Marie, looking rather hot and bothered. “Like yeah, I’d fuck him, but I have a boyfriend so I did the right thing and set him straight by responding to the email. I don’t think he got the message though, because I got another email yesterday about campus safety.”

Chancellor Jones was quick to defend his emails after receiving a reply from Marie.

“I honestly just email the same exact message to everyone, including the male students, so I don’t know why she thinks I’m flirting with her,” said Jones, gritting his teeth, “I want to make it clear to everyone that I am interested in women my own age, and I do not intend to steal Ms. Marie from her boyfriend. Now the missus is mad at me because of these stupid allegations!”

Chancellor Jones has been moved to the twin bed in his home’s guest room, according to his wife.

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