A shortage in children’s-sized basketball jerseys has seen thrift stores in the Champaign-Urbana area stripped of their most precious resource.
“This is a genocide of Greek life; I assumed that being a white, upper-class male would exempt me from this kind of oppression” whined Jake Sanders, a junior studying communications and a self-proclaimed frat star.
Though it may not seem to be the case, basketball is an inherently frat sport; beginning when Michael Jordan paid a $5,000 fine every game rather than play without his Air Jordans.
“And I have no other options since my bitch of a mother cancelled the family’s Amazon Prime account. How else am I going to get another Michael Jordan jersey for my collection?” Sanders advocated. “I swear she did this because she’s a geed…she just doesn’t get my way of life.”
Storeowners in the surrounding area have been consistently swamped with orders for jerseys since Greek Reunion, and have finally run out of their entire surplus of youth basketball jerseys. Howard Fischer, General Manager of Walmart, explained how his store was hit particularly hard.
“A pack of young men approached me, asking me where the boy’s section was. When I asked if they were looking for the men’s section, they told me to ‘watch my goober mouth,’” said Fischer. “They ended up giving out several bids while trying on their clothes and depleted our entire supply of Jimmy Butler jerseys.”
Some sellers have even had to hire extra staff to protect their shops from being turned into frat houses. Ted Barrett, a worker hired for the Block shopping season, was disgruntled by the fact that he was being paid minimum wage to virtually work as a pledge.
“I’ve cleaned up more dip spit and puke than a top-tier pledge and I’m getting even less poon than they are,” a frustrated Barrett said. “But the worst part by far is the returns I’ve had to deal with, which have almost exclusively been Trojan Magnum condoms. Apparently all these bros have the same problem of being ‘way too large’ for them, though they’re usually looking at the ground and nervously laughing when they tell me that.”
In response to youth jersey racks being emptier than the typical geed party, one student has set up a black market of Chinese knockoff jerseys. Economics major Eric Gleason has always had a knack for entrepreneurship and sees this move paying off big for him.
“It’s actually super-convenient for me because I’ve served this same market base before, when I was selling $25 grams of weed,” Gleason admitted. “I’ve got a guy who hooks it up fat with these knockoff jerseys and I just bump up the price to maximize my profit. Guys are willing to ball out when you tell them that I have 18 different variations of Steph Curry jerseys.”
Despite the popular size being sold out, there are still options for bros looking for the perfect jersey for Block. While the black market has been utilized by most, some have turned to actually working out when they go to the ARC and still others have found a women’s small to be a comparable fit.
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