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Cly’s Offers 1-Year DJ Contract to Frat Star on Aux at Wine Night

 

 

Despite having no formal training in music whatsoever, sophomore Miguel Arana has already quickly made a name for himself after playing what many reported as “straight fire” this Tuesday night at Cly’s.

 

The elementary education major has been hailed by many as the Red Lion Poop Girl of the Champaign music scene, but he prefers to go by his stage name, DJ 4NIKATE.

 

After finding some courage at the bottom of a bottle of Barefoot Chardonnay, Arana approached the DJ booth, hoping to put in a song request.

 

“It sounded like a goddamn geed party up in that bitch, so I told that jabroni in the booth to put on some 2 Chainz,” Arana explained. “The place was popping after that so I ended up just kicking the guy out and taking over the aux cord. The crowd couldn’t get enough of it, man. I even had a guy ask me if I could perform for his sister’s bat mitzvah next weekend.”

 

While Arana lacks any sort of professional music equipment, he’s invested in a 12-month trial of Spotify Premium to create his set lists. His most popular one is a playlist titled “Songs That Get Drunk White Girls Wet.”

 

“People don’t understand how much of an art this really is. I’m busting my ass every night coming up with the perfect line-up of songs that’ll be sure to get the ladies and fellas laid by the end of the night,” said Arana. “You need your songs to slowly build up in what I like to call ‘lit-ness,’ and then when it starts getting a little too ratchet on the dance floor, you hit ‘em with an old-school Hannah Montana banger.”

 

Perhaps the only group that enjoys DJ 4NIKATE’s beats more than tipsy North Shore girls is Cly’s Management. Marcus Schuster, general manager of the popular Tuesday night hangout, sees the DJ as a cash cow that’ll push his bar to the top one on campus.

 

“I was a little hesitant about hiring this kid at first, especially after he exchanged some pretty heated words with my 15-year-old nephew who was DJ-ing prior to his arrival. But after he played The Life of Pablo in its entirety, I knew Miguel had a unique gift,” Schuster cheerfully noted. “If this is what it takes to have freshmen keep guzzling $8 of shitty wine, then I can see Miguel being here for quite some time.”

 

Arana’s friends have been mostly supportive of him but some worry that his newfound fame may be toxic.

 

“I really don’t see this ending well for him,” remarked Lucas Horowitz, a longtime friend and roommate of the now infamous DJ. “He’s started using MySpace to promote his music but I’m pretty sure that’s only used to sell drugs nowadays. He’s in way over his head and was even talking about dropping out of his classes to pursue this as a full-time career. But I suppose as an education major that may not be the worst idea.”

 

To Miguel, the sky’s the limit for his DJ career. He’s even in the works of setting up a show at Canopy Club, where he plans to unveil a fresh playlist that, as he put it, is full of trap music “more ignorant than having an Indian chief for a mascot.”

 

For those about to bid, we salute you:

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