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How to Convince Your Parents You Landed a Summer Internship in Champaign

The time is nigh, and you just figured out how to log into Handshake. You might be completely fine that your lackluster search for an internship led nowhere, but your parents will certainly not be. They already made sure to tell you Susie Hilton’s daughter from Hinsdale landed an internship with WGN and will probably disown you if you so much as intern with FOX News. But if you live on campus this summer, will your parents even know you’re a degenerate? Here’s how to convince your parents you landed a HOT summer internship in Champaign.

5.) Show face at the Research Park Internship Fair:
Yes, you actually have to go, unless you have exceptional photoshopping skills and can fake it. But don’t worry, you’re not going to butter up any recruiters; you’re there to get some free headshots and stress balls so you can show them to your parents as evidence of your new networking skills. Tell them a recruiter gave you an internship on the spot! Your parents don’t have to know the sad truth that every single recruiter encouraged you to apply online like some fuckin’ goon.

4.) Send a screenshot of your Google Calendar:
Your parents also don’t have to know that you’ve been attending a maximum of two classes a week and using your grocery money on Blue Guys. Trick them into thinking you’re actually taking advantage of networking events the university offers by plugging fake on-campus interviews into your Google Calendar. And hey, what the hell, put in the names of Fortune 500 companies if you’re feelin’ cocky like a Gies student. Your parents will realize that this is why you’re always too busy to call home, even when the family bunny died.

3.) Send videos of you practicing making coffee:
You’re every employer’s dream! Send your parents videos of you scuttling around your apartment making scalding hot coffee for invisible superiors. They’ll immediately know you’re working hard, and will be proud they raised such a submissive little bitch.

2.) Post to social media:
Studies show that if you don’t post to social media about your internship or job offer, your once future employers will rescind the offer out of spite. Let your parents follow you on Instagram and friend you on Facebook for a full five minutes while you post a sappy caption about your “big girl internship,” under a picture of you standing in the parking lot of some empty warehouse on Springfield.

1.) Break the news that it’s unpaid:
Luckily you live in the North Shore, so it’s no sweat off your parents’ asses. They don’t want you to work for compensation until it’s absolutely necessary. Now you won’t even need to get a job at the Jimmy John’s and can just lay in bed all summer in your own filth. The dream!

In the amount of effort you spend faking your internship in Champaign, might mean you could’ve gotten one in the first place. But oh well, you’re still showing initiative!

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