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Daddy of the Week: Jared from Delta Upsilon

Name: Jared Minor
Twitter Handle: @Jdminor97
Year: Sophomore
Major: Accounting
Relationship status: Single
Fraternity: DU
Boxers or Briefs: Is freeballing an option?

Maury tells you you are NOT the father. What’s your reaction?:
I’m celebrating. I won’t be tied down to being daddy for just one person, but I can continue to be daddy for all.

Why is Dr. Phil the ultimate daddy?:
My cousin works on the set of Dr. Phil and has said that after every show, you can hear a sea of girls searching for their daddy, and let’s just say that Dr. Phil leaves no issue unsettled.

You’re the president of D.A.D.D. (Dads Against Daughters Dating) What’s your first order of business?:
Mandatory chastity belts for all daughters. No boy is going to want to date our daughters if he knows he can’t go heels-to-Jesus with her.

Which came first: Sugar Daddies the candy or real life sugar daddies?:
Definitely real life sugar daddies. The candy has only been around since 1925, and real life sugar daddies have been around since the dawn of time.

Do you think Nancy Reagan waged her infamous War on Eating Ass just because she’s never tried it herself?:
I find it hard to believe that Nancy Reagan has never eaten ass. She probably just had a bad first experience, and I get that.

What’s a conspiracy theory you made up just now about Hollywood’s sweetheart, David Spade?:
Cocaine and morphine didn’t kill Chris Farley, David Spade did. If you watch every single one of David Spade’s films in reverse chronological order and write down his every third line in the video and highlight every 12th letter, you can reveal his elaborate plan of how he killed Farley.

If you were a furry, which type of animal would you be and why?:
I would be an emperor penguin. They’re the most dedicated dads in the animal kingdom because they take on the role of a single father for two months while the mother goes to sea to feed.

Tell us a dad joke: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?:
Beat it. We’re closed.

Why do you deserve to be Daddy of The Week?:
I once got friendzoned by a girl because I reminded her too much of her father.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?:
It isn’t CNN. Do you need any more of a reason?


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