Name: Stephen Duginger (a.k.a. Thomas ‘Paign)
Twitter Handle: @PhilosopherDugi
Major: Economics & Political Science
Relationship Status: Taken by the loving grace of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I’m also obligated to say that I’m in an affectionate relationship – be gone, thots.
Fraternity: Pi Kappa Phi
Boxers or briefs?: Boxers, 100%. Briefs are essentially vasectomy pants, and no dad wants that until at after their second “little mistake.”
You find out you’re NOT the father, how do you react?:
First and foremost, I have to dap up my man Maury. Afterwards I’d probably start wildin’ on the couch, similar to Tom Cruise on Oprah circa 2005. Then I’d go to the nearest liquor store, get a case of Natty Ice and a pack of Black & Milds, and proceed to drink myself into a coma in the nearest alley.
Why do you consider yourself a sugar daddy?:
I’m going to have two 401ks once I start working, and insurance that includes dental and vision. How many playas you know got a sweet 802k right out of college?
What year of high school did you peak? Why?:
None of them. Your boy was a damn near obese lil’ thickypoo. My peak will come if I have a boy, because then my obscure last name won’t die off with the remaining 3 Dugi men who haven’t croaked yet.
You had a sex dream last night, why was it about Chancellor Robert Jones?:
The Chancellor called me into his office after catching wind of a controversial article I wrote. I quoted Future and said, “La di da di da, slob on me knob.” Then I got expelled and cried in my room while masturbating to a Victoria’s Secret catalog.
Your daughter comes home with a butterfly tramp stamp, how do you disown her?:
I don’t disown her – that’s lit as hell. I just hope it doesn’t look too similar to my own.
What is your spirit animal? Why?:
I’m my own spirit animal. Identifying with any sort of animal shows insecurity in one’s self and bestiality tendencies.
Pick one: Ass, or personality? Why?:
Personality, because you can’t have a passionate conversation with an ass, that is, unless you’re talking about oppressing marginalized groups with an Illini Republican.
Tell us a dad joke:
How many people are dead in Mt. Hope Cemetery on campus? All of them!
Why do you deserve to be Daddy of the Week?:
I deserve to be DOTW because I’ve been begging our editor, Dan Stillman, for it. I had some dirt on him that I was prepared to share in a damning expose in The Daily Illini, though I realize only five people would’ve read that.
Why should people read The Black Sheep?:
People should read The Black Sheep because my Cis Het White Male Trash ass won’t be writing for them anymore.