On January 5th, 2016 University of Illinois student newspaper The Daily Illini came out of the closet, announcing proudly that it is a biweekly newspaper.
This is another step in a series of events that saw the purported independent media outlet turn to donors and the University of Illinois for financial assistance, and continuing with the sale of the Illini Media building. Publisher Greg Simonson denies any link.
“I’ve always known we were never a straight-through-the-week paper” Simonson said proudly, “there’s not enough news to go around in a small place like this. So, here it is everybody, we’re bi!”
The Daily Illini faced immediate apathy regarding the decision. Sophomore Wendy Turlington explained:
“It don’t work like that,” the KKG scoffed, “no one cares anymore. I tried telling these guys in Sig I was bi once, and they still just wanted to Eiffel Tower me. Gross. I even offered to go down on one of their girlfriends, but they said an entire pledge class already had to do it to Becky, or whatever, and it just wasn’t cool anymore.”
Simonson denied the choice to go bi-weekly is a call for attention, noting, “I’ve always been curious, it’s what a reporter does– we ask questions and find answers. Now that we’re printing twice a week, I’m just really glad now I can admit The Daily Illini is bi-curious.”
One student, senior in mathematics Ben Repsal, is outraged by the decision, seething, “Where the fuck am I going to get my Sudoku?”
Though The Daily Illini has been mired in a financial boondoggle for years Simonson denies the paper is in dire straits.
“No, trust me, we’re just bi,” the publisher said with a wink, “I’ll suck your dick because I like it, but if you donate just $10 to Illini Media, I will let you come in my mouth.”