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A Deep Psychoanalysis of the Only 5 Songs You Hear in the Ike Dining Hall

One thing’s for certain: the Ike Dining Hall is the place to lament new, groundbreaking tracks you’ve already heard of. But don’t get irritated by the workers’ music taste, which, in fact, is just the Spotify Top 100 list. Instead, fuck around and conduct an unnecessarily deep psychoanalysis of the only five songs you hear at the Ike. Or hey, let us do the work for you.

5.) Drake – “One Dance”:

This song received too much airplay back when the top house sisters of C-U still used the dog filter on Snapchat. There’s one clear reason why the workers at the Ike are still bopping this decade’s most generic pop song. This is, of course, their inability to move on from simpler times. They feel they’re still living in 2016 because they’re working a degrading job that won’t allow them to advance in their professional career in any way.

4.) DJ Khaled – “Wild Thoughts” ft. Rihanna, Bryson Tiller:

Opposite to how DJ Khaled takes credit for things he didn’t produce, dining hall workers don’t take credit for some of the revolting dishes served at the Ike. Integrity is a difficult concept for some, and these two vastly different groups of people are no exception. The moral of the story is people ought to take responsibility for their actions, but often don’t due to, like, some Freudian concept we unlearned as soon as we pawned our useless PSYC 100 book.

3.) Drake – “God’s Plan”:

This relatively new track is practically on repeat in the Ike Dining Hall, and it serves to remind you that you’re definitely on a college campus. It’s essentially a plea for civility by the dining hall workers. They acknowledge that, like them, you’re young and not yet wielding a shell of bitterness, so they implore you not to treat them the way your bitchy Naperville mom would if they were ringing her up at Whole Foods.

2.) Kesha – “Praying”:

This is an uplifting tune that calls for inner-strength. Dining hall workers who blast this soulful shit are optimists. They take on each mundane shift with hopes as high as the notes that Kesha has never hit live that they’ll be successful enough in their endeavors to only figuratively clean up after people’s messes for the rest of their lives. The Ike workers that crank this song are the same ones who post pics of the Armory to the ‘Gram and caption it “just out here enjoying this beautiful campus.”

1.) Post Malone – “Rockstar”:

This song is another one that every college kid seems to enjoy despite it being trite, uninspired garbage. This holds a strong parallel to Ike workers’ utter lack of self-confidence, which is comparable to that of a nervous frat guy who knows the girl is just there to drink. Although they won’t admit it sober, they’re disappointing themselves and their parents by rooting for the consistently terrible Illini football team. Despite this, they hope to find a significant other that’ll value them despite them being wholly unremarkable individuals.

We hope that this totally valid psychoanalysis made it clearer to you why only these five songs are played at the Ike Dining Hall. Remember, dining hall workers are strapped for cash just like you; they’re just too shy to make a profile on

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