University of Illinois Housing requires all students to have human roommates, but human roommates objectively suck. Dogs are not only a man’s best friend but a man’s best roommate. You’ve been living with them for years already, and the worst they’ve done is shit on the rug. Your drunk human roommate would do that anyway. Here’s how to disguise your family dog as your college roommate to avoid living with a rando.
5.) Make Them A Tiny i-card:
If your RA or landlord looks at your “roommate” and says, “Hey, that’s a dog, not a human,” you may feel cornered. However, arm your dog with false identification and no one can argue that they don’t attend U of I as a human student. For once, your disciplinarians aren’t Lion bouncers with a sixth sense for fake IDs, so you might get away with this one. Putting a dorky little U of I lanyard around your dog’s neck will ensure they don’t lose it.
4.) Get Them A Significant Other:
Possibly one of the worst aspects of human roommates is their insistence on letting their significant other shack in your apartment. With all the banging and gross baby talk happening 24/7, you can’t seem to think straight. Recreate this uneven love triangle with your dog and no one is the wiser! Get your roommate a furry slampiece that refuses to leave your place and mooches off your dog treats. That way, when the RA walks on the dogs humping, he’ll say, “Oh sorry!” and blush out of habit instead of saying, “Hey, why are there two dogs humping in here?”
3.) Spruce Up Their Wardrobe:
Much like a human roommate, your canine roommate cannot be running around naked. To solve this, tailor adorable clothes for them and disguise them as UIUC stereotypes. For the frat star look, dress them in tiny jerseys, Greek letters and Timbs. Finally, for the engineering nerd look, bathe them infrequently and have them practice running around frantically with a tiny backpack. If you make sure your dog is dressed to kill, no one will give them a second glance.
2.) Decorate Their Living Area:
You spent all summer making and scrapping Pinterest ideas for your new apartment, but did you do the same for your dog? If your roommate has bare walls, it either means they’re a sociopath or a dog. Hang up pint-sized posters with super witty slogans like “It’s Beer O’Clock!” and “Keep Calm and Drink Coffee.” A couple tapestries and Bob Marley posters that reference smoking that ganj are also highly encouraged.
1.) Gaslight Everyone Into Thinking Your Roommate Does Annoying Human Things:
Although dog roommates are perfect, human roommates aren’t. Engage in some good, old-fashioned gaslighting by turning up the thermostat yourself and then showing your friend that your “stupid roommate won’t stop turning up the thermostat.” Leave dirty dishes on the counter and claim they said they would clean their dishes a week ago. Talk a lot of shit to your friends and then suddenly act very kind when you see your furry roommate.
Now you can avoid living with a random and instead be blessed with a soft, adorable roommate! If these clever disguises fail and your RA or landlord finds out you’re harboring a dog, have your dog strategically shit on their pillow in the night. Problem solved.