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If I Don’t Get a Car for Graduation, I’m Never Talking to My Parents Again (Unless I Need Money)

I’ve worked my ass off to achieve a 3.0 in my communications major in my four years on this campus. This equated to long hours in the library sharing with my friends via Snapchat how I’m suffering™ and pushing myself to make it to my 10 a.m. every once and a while. With that being said, I believe I deserve some sort of reward for resisting the temptation to drop out and get a gig at The Silver Bullet. That’s why I’m asking my parents for a car for graduation. If they fail to give me one, I’m never talking to them again… unless of course I’m in dire straits financially.

Seeing as how my parents have already paid my way through school, I don’t see why they can’t cough up a little more for their darling angel. And if I were to take a fifth year, they’d end up paying about the same anyways. Plus, I didn’t get into grad school, which means major savings for them — see how conscientious I am? As you can see, I’m really not asking for that much.

The thing is, I’m not super picky about the kind of car I get. I’m just looking for something that’s stylish, is semi-hybrid with good mileage, has lots of trunk space but not so much so that it’s hard to park, and something with exactly six seats — all pretty standard stuff. In fact, I’ve even sacrificed some of my preferred options instead of only looking at BMWs and Audis; I’ve also explained that I’d be okay with a Lexus or even an Acura. Actually, they better not get me an Acura. Of course, it goes without saying that it needs to be new or certified pre-owned.

If my parents can’t respond to this humble request, then it’s au revoir to them, but not completely of course. In this economy, I was only able to secure a part-time internship after graduation, and though it pays, it’s not going to be nearly enough to pay for my new studio in Lincoln Park. Consequently, I’m still going to have to keep in contact with them when the rent comes out or if I’m trying to recreate Block in the city on weekends.

Nonetheless, I’ll still have to be incredibly passive-aggressive to them if my new place doesn’t have a car with my name on it in the parking garage — like, literally a bumper sticker of my name. Of course, I’ll have to block them on Facebook, which I was planning on doing anyways since it gets really annoying having them drop hearts and comments on everything I post. My mom was even lucky enough to have me on Snapchat, and she’ll lose that privilege too if my stories after graduation don’t include a bitchin’ ride.

While I’ll be incredibly disappointed by not receiving a car for graduation, it would be absurd to entirely burn bridges with my parents. I mean, we’re talking about the people who gave birth to me and raised me into the young adult I am today. Let’s not forget my parents both make over 100K a year, it doesn’t take a business major to understand that that’s a connection worth preserving.

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