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Drug Dealers Start Advertising on Hooked

Ever since a handful of people were tricked into downloading the Hooked app for free food, the app’s popularity has grown to include many restaurants in Campustown. However, now the app is expanding to cater to a smaller demographic and the name “hooked” is taking on a whole new meaning. Local drug dealers have begun promoting products through the app, according to recent campus police reports.


For those that don’t know how the app works, there are daily deals that are only available during certain hours of the day. To claim the coupon, the user must press a button on the app and show the cashier.


The drug coupons work in a similar fashion, according to Hooked developers. Open the app, press a button, show it to your dealer, then you’re more literally hooked on a wide variety of uppers, downers, wowies and zowies.


According to local drug businessmen, the biggest problem so far is some of the customers not owning a smartphone. “The people buying cocaine aren’t the problem,” local dealer [Redacted] said. “It’s the heroin addicts. I can’t count on my regulars to own pants or a clean needle, let alone a phone. On the other hand, the guys that buy pot just forget their phones half the time.”


“There’s another problem,” said [Redacted]. “Anonymity. I’m trying to get new customers, but you know I can’t put my name on it. I’m not trying to get caught or nothing.” Luckily for [Redacted], University President Robert Easter is working on a campus regulation to allow drug dealers to promote freely without fear of being arrested.


How do the restaurants feel about the drug dealers encroaching on their space? “Pretty great,” said owner of Antonio’s, Mr. Antonio. “I’d sell more food if more people had the munchies more often.”


Mr. David Peter Dough, of D.P. Dough said he feels similarly. “Sometimes I snort some cocaine just so I can survive the walk from my store all the way to 6th Street,” he said. “I imagine most students have to do the same.”


Students seem to be responding positively to the changes. For those who are already regular users, the coupons will help maintain their bank accounts. New users are still having some trouble, though. “I still don’t know where to get drugs and the app isn’t helping at all,” said freshman Eric Greene with a tear in his eye. And for some, the app changes nothing. “I don’t have a dealer,” said local moocher Andrea Donner. “I only smoke pot with certain ‘stoner’ friends when I’m drunk.”


Is this going to revolutionize the drug industry? “No,” said DEA agent Harold Henderson. “I’m going to need a record of all the people that you spoke to concerning this article.” Some people might say no, but others are saying yes. “I’m going to need to know about all the people you have quoted as saying ‘yes’,” Agent Henderson said.


A quality news outlet such as The Black Sheep would never give up a source, let alone organize the contact information of sources in some sort of record. But does this questioning mean the DEA is cracking down on drugs? “We are committed to controlling illicit substances,” said Agent Henderson.


The answer is still unclear. The only thing that’s clear for sure is there’s a coupon for half-off a dime bag that expires in 30 minutes and this writer needs to go. “I’m going to follow you,” said Agent Henderson.

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