In order to spice things up with my hot as hell boyfriend I incorporated a trick I learned from the Cosmopolitan Snap story: hot, steamy sex in the dirty, beer-soaked elevator of my beautiful apartment building, HERE. So, we did the dirty and here’s my review of the world of elevator sex and its ups and downs.
Up — Intimate Privacy:
There’s nothing more fun than plowing your way through every room in your sorority house–believe me, my standards case about it is tomorrow. However, the openness completely ruins the intimacy of sex when your ass is bared to Lincoln Avenue through the sunroom windows. The elevator provides the perfect opportunity to be close to your boo without losing the excitement of being caught in the act.
Down — Empty Beer Cans:
There’s no bigger boner killer than the feeling of a cold Natty can brushing against you as you do it doggy-style between the unfinished parking garage and the fifth floor with the workout room. Do a quick sweep-through of the elevator like a bomb squad to make sure you don’t end up getting an infected cut, leading to a trip all the way to McKinley for an STD check.
Up — Sloppy, Sweaty Sex With No Clean-Up Necessary:
Nothing quite makes the best venue for sweaty, hot sex than a small, closed elevator. You’ll be sweatier than the beefcakes in the ARC basement. You pay over $1,000 in rent alone, leave the clean-up to your landlord.
Down – You’re Probably Video-Recorded :
This could be an “up,” if you’re an exhibitionist, but for those of us business majors who are trying to get a job from our dad at Deloitte and keep our apartment, this is a major problem. To avoid your tittybang ending up on PornHub’s hottest vids, bring your glitter hair spray and spritz the cameras before you begin like you’re robbing Busey Bank. The elevator will be fabulous and your sex will be safe.
Up — Experimenting in Mid-Air:
The best part of elevator sex is knowing you’re technically not on land, which means you’re able to experiment with insane sex positions mid-air. When you aren’t on land, the rules go out the window, so just like Chancellor Jones and Greek life, everyone will look away while you do it.
Down – Inevitable Sex-Related Injuries:
Accidents happen and nothing sucks more than being slut shamed by a nurse at McKinley for coming in on crutches to pick up a free Plan B. My advice: stretch it out before you bust it out.
Up — The Elevator Could Get Stuck:
You know what they say: when the elevator is a-rockin’, do come a-knockin’. Things could get hot enough to jam the elevator between the 13th and 14th floor, but that only means nothing can stop you and your mans from getting even steamier.
Down — The Elevator Could Get Stuck:
It’s all fun and games until you both finish prematurely like you’re back to freshmen year losing your virginity at Weston Hall. Now instead of leaving and getting a hot shower and Chipotle before class, you’re stuck in a metal box covered in shame-glaze.
Elevator sex is the best thing since sliced bread. I highly suggest you accomplish a go-around in your nearest elevator before graduating. Extra points if you can have sex in a nearly broken university building elevator. May the orgasm be ever in your favor.
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