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Embarrassed CHLH 206 Professor Blames Class Shrinkage on Cold Weather, Not Own Inadequacy

Professor Dave Wallace, who’s been teaching CHLH 206: Human Sexuality on campus for a dozen years, has recently experienced a dramatic drop in attendance. Professor Wallace claims that the mostly vacant Gregory Hall lecture hall is due to the cold weather in Champaign-Urbana, despite him just being a terrible teacher.

When confronted about the allegations, he gave a flustered response with flushed cheeks.

“The weather’s just been real rough out there and I don’t see how anyone could put the blameon me,” Professor Wallace stuttered out. “This is just a natural thing that happens to every professor; it’s totally normal. I guess you could say students are more interested on studying human sexuality on their own time, not mine, if you catch my drift.”

Many students of the 2p.m. lecture on Tuesdays and Thursdays have argued that their professor is one of the worst one’s they’ve had yet. One of those students, Tiffany Grier, a sophomore in the community health major, complained about the professor’s lack of effective teaching ability.

“Dave is a horrible professor and he posts spelling error-ridden PowerPoints on Compass so there’s really no point in going to class,” said Grier. “His lectures are so long, and he just goes on long tangents about the two divorces he’s had. This guy is boasting an overall quality of 1.4 on and he’s not even cute, so I regret signing up for his class in the first place.

Professor Wallace’s class had a full roster at the beginning of the semester, but students quickly stopped attending. Now only about 15 students are regularly in attendance. Thomas Reaves is one of those students, but similarly described their professor in a negative light.

“The poor guy can’t even find the volume button for YouTube videos and sometimes will just use the blackboard because he can’t figure out how to get turn the projector on,” Reaves explained. “How the hell does this guy have tenure? Like, I can’t believe that some of my tuition pays this buffoon’s salary. At least some of his lecture slides will have the occasional boob. I guess it could be worse.”

Though Professor Wallace believes that the horrendous weather is to blame for the not-well-endowed class, other members of the department also pointed to his shortcomings. A TA working under the professor, Zachary Hoff, who’s currently working on a PhD, voiced great disdain towards his boss.

“I’m basically this guy’s pledge, grading all of the class assignments and proctoring the exams and shit, a visually frustrated Hoff said. “I already went through pledgeship back in undergrad. This sucks. I don’t even think Professor Wallace does research in the field, unless you count watching porn, which he’ll even play in the middle of class from time to time. I can’t believe the budget cuts took my pay away and I live off ramen while this guy makes six figures.”

The CHLH Department head has defended has colleague and spoke positively on his behalf. He elaborated how human sexuality is a sensitive subject for everyone and that pointing out Professor Wallace’s own inadequacy was detrimental to his fragile ego.


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