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Entire Illini Union On Edge As Stage Is Set Up

Uh-oh. Tensions rose this Wednesday as students in the Illini Union watched the Courtyard Café stage be set up for a midday performance. The stage, located on the first floor of the building, is host to a range of terrible acts throughout the week.

“Oh shit, they put the chair and mic out,” muttered one visibly distressed student. “If someone starts singing show tunes, I’m gonna lose it.”

The suspense was palpable when Illini Union employees began their microphone test for what many knew would be an excruciating performance.

“Every time I come in here, there’s some kid from Urbana playing an acoustic and moaning out the lyrics to some fucking Coldplay song,” complained onlooker John Birch. “I come here for coffee and a place to sit between classes when I’m hungover, not to hear someone whine on stage.”

The tension in the room reportedly peaked when a far too confident young man walked onto the stage and plugged his phone into an aux cord. As he belted out the first few painful verses of the “Wicked” theme, the entire room winced.

“Shit, showtunes,” moaned junior Samantha Lynn while using every last bit of her strength to avoid eye contact with the singer who, oh Jesus, was now attempting to interact with the audience.

As he continued into another agonizingly cheerful number, many in the room found it impossible to ignore the alarming display any longer.

Within minutes, the entire room had emptied, leaving only a small and debilitatingly uncomfortable crowd to suffer under the performers increased attempts for participation.

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