Not like you peaked in middle school or anything, but you can never let yourself, or others, forget that you were the top typist in your technology class in eighth grade, boating an impressive 180 words per minute. When you’re sitting in your Foellinger lecture, the guy in the backwards Blackhawks hat next to you is two-finger typing, and looking up at the PowerPoint after every word. Pathetic. The girl next to you, who thinks she’s retro, is furiously typing her notes into her PC, but she’s still not as accurate as you. Here’s how to prove to everyone how fast you can go:
5.) Stretch your fingers before class starts:
That perfect introduction period where your professor is reviewing the notes from the last class, and touching over today’s topic is the perfect time to get a good ol’ knuckle stretch in. Flex the fingers, hold for ten seconds, release, next hand. Now your phalanges are all nice and loose for the next 50 minutes of slamming your fingers on the keyboard.
4.) Make a scene when you finished copying the current slide:
Your talented ass finished writing down the four components of Social Expectations Theory before the girl next to you even finished picking out a font. While you’re waiting for the rest of the underlings to finish typing, make a dramatic sigh, and cross your arms to show you’ve already done your part. Keep in mind you have 1,000 classmates to impress, so don’t think sigh as much as something more like Brad Underwood-level scream.
3.) Trim your nails so that they don’t get in the way:
Nails too long or too sharp will sometimes cause your fingers to slip up and type the wrong letter, or slow down your momentum. If you’re going to succeed in out-typing everyone, it’s crucial to invest in a solid nail clipper. You’ll have to figure out on your own exactly how to sculpt your nails as to best fit your keyboard. Find the right groove that can give you optimum speed, paired with pristine accuracy; you’ll know right away.
2.) Type with your body:
A foolproof method to lure everyone’s attention toward you is to use every part of your body to type the bullet points. It takes more than just your fingertips to have a powerful and speedy typing technique. Put your back into it, dislocate your shoulders if it comes to that, and keep your abs tight, champ. Now you’re typing so fast your Google Doc can’t even keep up with you. Oh, and don’t worry, it’s normal to sweat.
1.) Time yourself:
Good thing you grabbed that shitty stopwatch you picked up from the Illini Track and Field booth on Quad Day, because this is a prime use for it. When you see the professor sauntering back over to the computer to click to the next side, get the timer ready with one hand, while the other vigilantly hovers over ASDF. When the PowerPoint slide dissolves into the next one, it’s go time motherfuckers. After you’ve finished writing the Six Stages of Relationship Dissipation, you can triumphantly hold up the stopwatch and beep that shit finished, hopefully disrupting everyone enough to notice you.
After adopting these methods, you won’t even need to hang up your “Best Typist” certificate signed by your teacher and the Vice Principal of your middle school.