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Exposing Chancellor Robert Jones — The Secret Sexual Propaganda Buried in His Emails

Dear reader! Welcome to INFOSHEEP, the new and improved campus news source you’ve always needed to OPEN your EYES to the TRUTH of campus happenings. All week we’ll be uncovering the truth, so stay tuned and don’t get your head out of the sand before it’s too late!!!!

There’s a lot we don’t realize about our friendly neighborhood chancellor because no one reads his weekly campus updates. Well, the jig’s up, Bobby. It’s easy to hide behind a computer screen, but we’ve finally decoded the disturbing, seductive passes in your emails.

When He’s Pleased:

 On November 15th, 2017, Bobby Jones announced the new dean of the College of Engineering, Andreas Cangellaris. Yep, that name sort of sounds and looks like cunnilingus. Take that as you will, but not before Jones basically groans in pleasure as he explains how “pleased” he is to announce this new dean. By pleased, we know he means extremely horny. It’s clear that Jones and Cangellaris have gay sex all the time. Specifically butt stuff!

What does M.E. mean anyway? He might as well have just said “M.E. and Andreas Cangellaris are in love and need more people to join our gay orgy every Tuesday night.” Read between the lines of these emails and you’ll see everything you need to know about Jones’ secret sex cult.

 Large Enrollment:

 December 14th, 2017: It’s been an exciting year because, apparently, UIUC had its “largest enrollment” in history. More students on campus means more faceless profiles on Grindr in the C-U area, which in turn means more naïve hardbodies to recruit to his sex cult. Could that be a more obvious wink to his faceless fuck cult? Now we know why people call him “Bobby Butt Stuff.” Just wait, he’ll celebrate his engorged “enrollment” at the local brothel, which may or may not be the Psych Building. There has to be a reason why there aren’t any windows in that building. What are they hiding? You aren’t sly Bobby; very few of us read your extraneous, seductive emails, but all of us can read between the lines.

 Stay In Touch:

 Last, and certainly the most heinous, we have this email from January 20th, 2018. This is the third time Chancellor Robert J. Jones suggests that students follow him on Instagram to “stay in touch.” Stay in touch, or just touch? Instagram is the only way for Bobby to secretly solicit nudes from the unwitting student body. God knows how many poor freshmen have received creepy, late-night sexts from Bobby Butt Stuff. The chancellor is chancellor for a reason; he’s smart, knows these things and someone has to do this job. Just don’t be surprised if you get a “u up?” DM at 2:30 a.m. from @IlliniChancellor.

Listen, Bob, if you’re out there reading this, pretending you weren’t cuffed to a bed last night, just know we see right through your overt sexually charged emails, and we won’t stop until the SHEEPLE ILLINI are woken from their slumber.

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