After years of no one asking for it, the university has gifted UIUC students an Einstein Bros. Bagels location in the Armory, the most confusing building on campus. The Einstein Bros. Bagels’ third location on campus, in the form of a bagel stand, was put smack dab in the middle of a busy hallway.
Frankly, students couldn’t be happier with the new bagel stand they didn’t want:
“An Einstein Bros. in a building where I still can’t remember where my classroom is? Sign me up and distract me from my academics more, please!” said Sean Martin, an enthusiastic UIUC junior. “Plus, I don’t even eat breakfast, so this will be a nice addition for me to walk past every day and probably never take advantage of.”
University officials admitted that they didn’t give much thought to putting another Einstein’s location in a building built during World War I.
“We could have used our time and resources to continue renovating the building and removing the mold, but what’s the point of all that?” said Barbara Smith, a University of Illinois spokesperson. “We’re doing this so the dumb students who have to try every stairwell to find their classroom in the Armory can be fueled with carbs and a quality schmear on their journey.”
Einstein Bros. welcomes all confused, panicky students to their new Armory hallway location if they’re lucky enough to find it.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: