We’ve all experienced it: you skip down to get your laundry and before you reach ol’ reliable machine 15, you see it: your newly-cleaned laundry, ripped out of the warmth and protection of the washing machine’s womb. A perfectly good day ruined by some asshole that thought it was okay to throw your fresh clothes onto the dorm’s crusty linoleum. So, take a deep breath and let grief run its course:
No, no, no! Those can’t be your clothes. You’re pretty sure you left those panties at Brad’s last week, anyway. We mean, you probably just used a different machine, right? Here’s the part where you proceed to stressfully rip open adjacent washers. Don’t panic, things are going to be okay. Maybe this is just another one of those lucid dreams you have every time you attempt to study in the UGL. Someone is bound to wake you up soon and ask you to move so they can use your table for their group project, right? RIGHT?!
What. The. Hell. You’re angrier than when you found out the girl who hit your JUUL at Lion has mono. It turns out those raggedy hand-me-downs are in fact yours, and now they’re fermenting on the laundry room floor. You have to do something to ensure everyone in Weston Hall knows not to mess with your clothes! You should definitely…pee on their clothes.
Fine, fine– peeing on someone else’s clothes for revenge is not the move. Hell, the only clothing that actually touched the ground is your business suit, and we all know you barely wear that. It’s not that bad! No one will know, and how dirty can the laundry room actually be? It has to be cleaned at least once a month; those mouse traps look new!
On second thought, wearing dirty laundry room floor clothes is not really where you’re at in your life. Your grandma would be disappointed in you. Dress for success? Never heard of her. With your trash GPA, empty bank account, and dirty-ass clothes, you might as well quit school now and hope you’ll be cast for the Jersey Shore Revival where your disgusting habits will fit right in.
Now defeated, load the washing machine again for round two, because you’re a pale Midwesterner who can only dream of hair like Pauly D. You have to rewash your clothes. Relief has set in as you thank Alma Mater that you didn’t pee on someone’s laundry. From now on, you’ll just have to sit on top of the machines like a gargoyle and hiss at anyone who dares to come near your clothes.
Finding out someone removed your clothes from the laundry is a feeling matched only by dropping a newly-made Chipotle burrito on the floor. However, the initial frustration you feel as your wet clothes stick to the floor is not as embarrassing as the explaining you’ll have to do if you get caught revenge peeing into a washing machine. So do everyone a favor and try to speed through the five stages of grief: we all have laundry to do.
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