After yet another loss this season, this time at the hands of whatever the hell Golden Gophers are, the University of Illinois has announced a dramatic name change. The embarrassing performance during Homecoming weekend has prompted officials to finally go forward with changing the football team’s name to The Fighting L-Ini.
“Just to be clear, this name change only applies to the school’s football team,” said Athletic Director Josh Whitman in a press conference earlier this morning. “We’ve got so many other premier athletic programs, ranging from volleyball to soccer, but the fact of the matter is that football is the Gary, Indiana of the department. Thus, the rest of the athletic department would no longer like to be associated under the same name as them.”
With a 2-6 record on the season, the newly-dubbed Fighting L-ini are preparing for also-2-6-but-somehow-better Michigan State this upcoming weekend, which will without a doubt make the name change that much more appropriate. For Coach Lovie Smith, his eyes are on making the best of the situation for next season.
“This season was over for us before we even stepped on the field,” Lovie said bluntly. “We’re just trying to figure out how to sell the Giant L’s that are going to cover our athletic facilities and apparel going forward. I figure the L’s got to stand for Lovie, you know? And I’d have no problem putting on a headdress and going by Chief Lovie if that’s what it takes.”