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“Four” Owner Furious Over Students Pressing Grubby Noses Against Windows

Four Breakfast & More, an unopened breakfast place that recently took over infamous Papa D’s and its Underground Bar, has the U of I campus talking. So much so that the manager of Four, Saul McMuffin, has reported an “infuriating” number of UIUC students pressing their noses up against his empty restaurant’s glass and gaping.

“I mean, yeah, I’m glad my restaurant created some buzz, but I can’t afford to clean my windows six times a day!” complained McMuffin. “These little bug-eyed creeps are pressing their grease-laden faces against my good PANES. It reminds me of those chubby-cheeked kids from the 1930s who would squish their pig noses against the candy shop window and salivate. Plus, I can’t say I enjoy feeling several pairs of eyes on me as I unsuccessfully attempt to scrub the chicken tender grease out of the UG.”

Many students, such as UIUC sophomore Lily Benehan, have maintained their innocence, saying they just want to scope out the new breakfast place.

“I’m not trying to be nosy or anything. I just wanted to peek in because our breakfast options on campus are dangerously limited!” said Benehan. “The Hub’s only saving grace is its bottomless mimosas, seeing as its cotton candy machine has been broken for a year. And Cracked will always just be a drunk food truck, no matter how hard it tries. I’m a HUGE brunch girl, and I just want to know what we’re working with here.”

McMuffin continues to deal with his smudged window crisis, and was last seen shooing students away with a broom while yelling, “Git! Go on, now!”

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