Around 5:35 p.m. last night, university officials responded to a harrowing call placed by student employees at the Ikenberry Dining Center. The employees reported a robbery, claiming an unidentified student left the cafeteria with two cookies from the Baked Expectations station, which is one more than a student is legally allowed to carry out.
The perpetrator, freshman Luke Rochester from Van Doren Hall, was detained and brought in front of the Dining Hall Disciplinary Committee, which ruled to expel the student from the university.
While the punishment for such an action in the past was a $10 fine charged to the student’s account, Dining Hall Director Earl Warren felt stricter sanctions were justified.
“I’m sick and tired of seeing these snot-nosed kids walking out with extra food when they know they’re not supposed to,” said Warren. “We needed to send a message, so as soon as I heard about this student taking two white chocolate macadamia nut cookies– the best ones in the dining hall mind you– I saw my opportunity to crack down.”
Perpetrator Luke Rochester claims to be a victim of circumstances and feels that his punishment is unwarranted.
“I’ve seen students do this all the time but now they go after me? It’s because I’m a straight white male, isn’t it?” cried Rochester. “My parents pay over $10,000 for me to live in the shittiest dorm on campus and they won’t even let me have two freaking cookies. I’m pre-law, I know my rights. This is definitely going all the way to the Supreme Court!”