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Freshman Spends Entire Syllabus Week at the UGL Looking Over Syllabi


In order to ensure a good first semester at U of I, Brian Dowell, a freshman computer science student, has spent nine hours a day in the Undergraduate Library (UGL) where he’s been diligently reading over his course syllabi.

“I’ve always been a bit of an overachiever, but I was really starting to get a little cocky during my last semester at Stevenson High School,” Brian recalled. “My grades were slipping; I ended up getting an A- in AP Chem. After the embarrassment of having to settle for an internship at Facebook instead of Google this summer, I knew it was time to buckle down.”

Brian isn’t the only one who’s noticed the slippery slope he’s been going down. Dr. Samuel Dowell, Brian’s father, had some more insight to add about his son’s reckless behavior.

“I’m happy to see my son starting to get serious about his studies again but I’m just hoping it’s not too little too late,” Dr. Dowell said. “He’d already been goofing off his first couple of days in Champaign, going to these outrageous orientations and even taking a ridiculous class photo in the shape of a big ‘I’ on the football field. He definitely gets that craziness from his mother.”

Getting placed in Bromley for the year, Brian knew after scanning dozens of college related chat rooms that he needed to get away from his “Animal House dorm” if he wanted to succeed this year. His roommate, Kyle Christiansen, explained how little he’s seen Brian since moving in.

“There’s been a few times when I’ve come home from rush parties and noticed that his bed was empty. At first I thought he was just sleeping over at some girl’s place; he’d even come home smelling like flowers and lavender,” said Christiansen. “He later told me that it was just his prescription-strength hand sanitizer to protect himself against mumps, which he had received as a graduation gift from his parents.”

Fourth floor Bromley Resident Advisor, Jeff Weber, had no qualms about Brian’s plans for Syllabus Week however.

“While I’m disappointed that he’s missed some of our totally rad, ‘mandatory’ ice breakers, I’m glad to have one less kid to look after,” Jeff admitted. “Some of these freshmen are totally insane, getting into all sorts of shenanigans and on several occasions, even tried to give me swirlies in the hall bathrooms. I swear these little shits are the spawn of Satan, and I had no idea that the Chicago suburbs were in his domain.”

Brian claims that his studying has already paid off in a variety of forms and has no regrets with his decision to essentially live in the UGL for the first week of classes.

“It’s really not so bad down here. Sure, I’ve started to show signs of Vitamin D deficiency and it gets lonely at times, but there are also plenty of upsides,” said Brian. “I’ve already earned three free drinks at Espresso Royale and even found out that I can get ten extra credit points in my ECON103 class by sending my professor a two-page paper about why introduction to macroeconomics is definitely not the worst class on campus!”

Nobody would’ve suspected that syllabus week would be taken this seriously, but it seems that Brian may be onto something. While his only friends may be the few homeless stragglers that use the computers for God-knows-what in the UGL, he can rest easy, knowing that he’ll have a steady supply of malt liquor and fictional WWII stories to last him the year.


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