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Frustrated Illini Fans’ Only Remaining Hope is Illini Curling

With the football season long over and a disappointing basketball season well underway, these past seasons have been some of the worst in recent memory for Illini sports teams.

In these desperate times, fans are frantically searching for a new sport they can support without being relentlessly disappointed. Many students have turned to the Illini curling team in hopes that it can salvage U of I’s unlucky streak.

“So since the Winter Olympics in South Korea are approaching, I’ve been looking into some winter sports to prepare myself,” explained UIUC junior and kinesiology major Kent Brogan. “And curling looked super lame at first, but it’s honestly so dope. These people’s bodies are pushed to their limit. So I searched ‘Illini curling club’ and I guess we have one!”

Brogan has taken it upon himself to create a fan club for the Illini Curling Association in an attempt to boost downtrodden student morale. So far the club boasts 13 members.

“One of the girls suggested we call ourselves ‘The Curling Irons,’ but sports aren’t really for girls, so we x-ed that idea,” said Brogan. “Instead we settled on ‘The Stoners’ because of curling stones? Get it? Well… honestly I just googled ‘curling basics 101,’ but I still feel more informed about curling than most of the students here.

The next, cannot miss curling game is this Friday at 5 p.m. in the Armory Ice Arena.

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