You’re in a bind because your dad couldn’t make it to UIUC Dads Weekend because he said he had to wash his hair this Saturday even though he’s bald, and your daddy is hanging out with his wife. Who will be your dad and take you out to the bars to pay nearly double for drinks? The only way around this tough obstacle is to find someone else’s dad to adopt you. The Black Sheep is here to help you out.
5.) Just Keep Calling Them Dad:
Classically condition your new dad by continuously following him around and calling him “Dad.” Hop in line with him at Joe’s and help yourself to his Lunch Box pitcher. Pat him on the back a lot and sneak in a hug after he’s had enough to drink. Eventually, he’ll get the idea and start to embrace his new role. You’ll be adopted in no time and maybe he’ll even hug you back, unlike your real dad.
4.) Promise Them a Pair of New Balances:
What a sweet deal. Every dad can use a new pair of gym shoes. His old ones were getting pretty muddy from cutting the grass once a week. Surprise him with a new pair of New Balances so white, they probably dressed up as something racially inappropriate for Halloween. He’ll be so touched by your thoughtful gift, he’ll immediately grab your shoulder firmly and call you “son.” It’s all you’ve ever wanted.
3.) Laugh at Everything They Say That Might Be a Joke:
Dads need validation, too. They don’t have an Instagram for it, so they tell jokes. Sometimes, the jokes are so bad that no one can tell if they’re telling a joke or just talking loudly. To combat this, laugh at every single thing they say just in case they’re telling a pun. Pat them on the back and yell “Oh, Jim!” loud enough for everyone in the Lion beer garden to know they’re hilarious. They’ll appreciate the fact that someone finally understands their humor and sign the adoption papers on the spot.
2.) Show Them Their Real Child’s Finsta:
You’re going to look like a golden child after your new dad sees his biological spawn’s Finsta. Their raunchy photos and videos of JFK shots are going to make you a shoo-in for his new adoptee. Just don’t let them see your own Finsta of you drinking alone on Sunday nights and bragging about how many days it’s been since you’ve left your apartment. You’re trying to make yourself seem better here. Instead, show them your artsy Insta and get ready to win over your new dad.
1.) Leave Yourself in a Basket at the Champaign Fire Station:
Every classic adoption story or Lifetime movie where a child is hardened by the orphanage system starts at the fire station. Hop in a woven basket and swaddle yourself in a gender-neutral blanket so a nice dad walking by will take pity on you and take you home. If this doesn’t work, The Black Sheep recommends placing your basket outside of KAM’s where a drunk dad will hopefully see you.
Before you get too drunk to form words this weekend, find yourself a dad. If none of these work, join a dating site and maybe some weirdo will let you call him daddy. It’s almost the same thing.