If you’ve seen women shrieking and men grunting, you’re either at Red Lion or have just witnessed a pedal tour. These pedal tours are fun activities to do if you’re lucky enough to have more than 10 friends that won’t flake on you and can muster up some cash for the newest addition to every Illini’s bucket list. Should you even bother going on one of these pedal tours? The editors duke it out.
If you think you can wrangle up more than 10 of your flakey-ass friends for a 90-minute circle tour around Campustown, you’re out of your mind. Don’t even spend any ounce of brain energy being a glorified group project leader and trying to get them to commit to one day. Even if you do manage to collect all of that money after sending 20 Venmo requests to that one unreliable person, you’re bound to get five no-shows the day of the tour.
Original Pancake: Yeah people are flakes, but you’re probably still being funded by your parents. If a couple people drop like flies and you have to go from paying $15 to $25, it’s the equivalent of paying Lion cover. Plus, unlike Lion, the pedal tour is worth every penny. It’s peak white culture and you simply must break out the Hawaiian shirts.
Diego Manischewitz: Replace those Hawaiian shirts with Under Armour! Can college kids even handle any physical activity? Illini get sweaty just taking one lap around Lion and need to sit on the barstool at the Main Bar to block everyone else from getting drinks. These kids can’t bike for their life.
Original Pancake: That’s the great thing about pedal tours–they really require minimal physical activity. Realistically, only one person actually needs to pedal, and everyone else can put their feet up and knock back a few Nattys. The thing goes about one mile per hour maximum, so no one’s in a rush. Think of this as the Lazy River’s on-land equivalent.
Diego Manischewitz: Lazy Rivers are for lazy asses. What even is there to tour around Champaign? The whole town is luxury apartments and bubble tea places now, which we can both agree are just absolutely awful! Champaign is becoming an eyesore, and you’re wasting your time, legs, and liver going on one of these “tours.”
Original Pancake: You’re looking at this all wrong. Pedal tours are not about touring your surroundings, but rather touring alcohol. Getting blasted on a bike is way underrated, and it’s a lot more fun when you’re not being pulled over by the dreaded Champaign bike police. Now stop being such a pussy, grab a helmet, sign some waivers, and try not to fall off of the world’s slowest machine.
Diego Manischewitz: If you wear a helmet you’re a freakin’ square, and that’s true across the board. Biking is a children’s activity. We’re adults; we should be driving to things, not biking around town like we’re in middle school playing Ghosts in the Graveyard. Why can’t you just grow up?
Original Pancake: Plenty of adults bike. Just look at Lance Armstrong, my disgraced childhood hero who made those ugly yellow wristbands a thing. Also, why are you in such a rush to grow up? We’re about to graduate and become boring adults who hate ourselves –why not live up our glory days by pedaling around the flattest campus on Earth?