Murphy’s Pub steers toward an older crowd with its Irish decor, food, and craft-y beer they serve at the Green Street establishment. The bar has cashed in on the old upperclassmen folks they attract so much that they have started a free weekly bingo night every Monday. Bingo is an oddly simple game designed for old people, but it draws a crowd every week. So, should you go to Murphy’s and risk your youth? The editors argue that question this week.
Original Pancake: Listen, I’m doing everything I can to maintain my youth. At the tender age of 21, I’m already applying wrinkle cream after all the stress of ECON 102. We’re young, so why would we waste our time playing a dinky bingo game at Murphy’s instead of dancing to “Grind With Me” at MNL?
Diego Manischewitz: When are you just going to grow up? Like, way up to 89 years old. You turned 21 when you turned 19 and have wasted your years and liver at Red Lion. Aren’t you tired ot $10 cover and tequila shots? What’s wrong with sitting down and playing an old-fashioned game of bingo, a childhood favorite?
Original Pancake: No children like bingo. Their parents just send them to play bingo at the local library so they don’t have to look at them. Bingo is to the Midwest as dominos are to Miami grandparents. Also, $10 cover is well worth the $1 tequila shots that’ll have me dancing on elevated surfaces all night.
Diego Manischewitz: Get off that dirty table and listen to me for a second! Illini kids these days are getting stupider by the minute from paying for Block I to paying in-state tuition for this worthless university. We need to regain our intelligence by simply listening to a man call out numbers every few seconds and seeing if we happen to have those numbers on the sheet of paper in front of us.
Original Pancake: I don’t need an “A” in STAT 100 to know how to play bingo. Bingo is for simpletons. If you want to drink and play a game, play a drinking game. For instance, drink every time a virgin engineer asks if you’re going to bingo night at Murphy’s. I’m just not going to a dark, dingy bar where someone named “Timmy Tequila” screams numbers at me.
Diego Manischewitz: Virgins? I know people who’ve had some sexy times in the Murphy’s bathroom, okay? If you win a game of bingo, you get a prize, which is usually a cool mug you can use for next time! What prize do you get for going to Red Lion? Herpes, right?
Original Pancake: Oh, burn! Literally, herpes burns, but I wouldn’t know that. Red Lion gives you the prize of making out with hot people who probably wouldn’t make out with you if their veins weren’t soaked in vodka Powerade. Some of Murphy’s seem pretty cool, like their beer signs, but others just look like I could snag them at a garage sale.
Diego Manischewitz: I’m sure McKinley is looking forward to your inevitable misdiagnosis. I’d rather play bingo at an establishment where people’s heads don’t explode from excitement of hearing “Mr. Brightside.” The only screaming you’ll be hearing from me is “BINGO!” and that is my name-o.
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