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GoBand Fitness Watch Now Delivers Shock-Motivation

With winter rearing its ugly head, students at the University of Illinois have shown increased interest in physical activity. According to Campus Recreation, the number of daily iCard swipes at the ARC alone has increased by over 300% since the beginning of the year. Along with the increased attendance at campus fitness centers, apps like Zondr The Black Sheep app have reported a dramatic decrease in campus bar activity, especially on peak business days.  


The sudden attention to health and well-being at U of I has occurred during the peak sales of the exercise watch brand known as “GoBand.” Like many of its competitors such as the FitBit and Nike Fuelband, GoBand tracks every minuscule detail about consumers including sleep patterns, calories burned, and steps taken each day; however, in addition to these standard measurements, GoBand advertises its increased motivational techniques as what sets it apart from competitors. 


While other watches simply remind the customer to be active throughout the day, GoBand takes a dynamic approach by utilizing shock therapy to ensure that consumers keep moving all day long. With a combination of timers and brain wave sensors, GoBand is able to determine your activity level and various thoughts throughout the day. Even so much as thinking about eating a potato chip sends a 12V shock throughout your body, motivating people to think healthier thoughts and haul ass all day, every day.  


“I’ve already lost 10 out of the 15 pounds I put on during my freshman year,” stated emotional eater and sophomore, Amanda Colligen. “The more sedentary you are, the more intense the shocks become. I do have a few electrical burns but at least I can squeeze into my old skinny jeans!” 


Unfortunately, while many see positive weight loss results from using the GoBand, others find the product to be distracting and invasive during other tasks throughout the day. Sources say that many professors have banned the use of GoBands in their lectures after a string of disturbances this past week.  


According to complaints made various college deans, on multiple occasions over half the students would spontaneously jump up and begin doing suicide sprints or burpees right in the middle of lecture. The lectures in each instance were all 80 minutes or a three-hour lab.  


“I’ve never seen anything like it. The class was in a state of anarchy!” exclaimed Dr. Hugh Jenner, a guest speaker during an extended ECON 103 lecture. “I was startled when I heard students begin to scream when suddenly, a herd of them began rushing around Foellinger like it was a track field!”


Observers on the Quad claim over 2,000 students poured out of Foellinger and Lincoln Hall around noon, a high-traffic hour on the Quad. Students were seen doing pull-ups on the arms of the Alma Mater, running stairs at Krannert, and working on agility training by weaving in and out of the bike lane. Some reports even claim that students were practicing sprints in and out of the Morrow Plots as university police drove by.


Students claim the combination of prolonged sitting along with sleep sensor activation during the day caused the GoBand to send a voltage of almost 40V into their bodies in the band’s first day of activation.


After news of these incidences became public, an ordinance was proposed by university officials to ban the use of GoBands on campus entirely, as they did with smoking at the beginning of this year. When asked for a comment on how the use of GoBands on campus affects anyone other than users, officials responded, “With the way things are at the University of Illinois, we’re honestly just trying to save face.”

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