Against all odds, senior English major Daniel Carruthers publicly announced on his Facebook that he had accepted a job offer at a nearby English factory.
“I’m ecstatic to announce that I’ll be moving to St. Louis this summer to take on an exciting opportunity as a junior poetry analyst at the English factory,” read Carruthers’ status update already with 80+ “likes” and counting. “It’s been a long, hard four years, and plenty naysayers along the way said it couldn’t be done… but look at that. Looks like English majors can get jobs after all!”
Carruthers, who had suppressed urges to shift his liberal arts focuses to law and secondary education throughout the entirety of his collegiate career, claimed he discovered the opportunity with relative ease. All it took was a simple Google search in between chapters of James Joyce’s Ulysses, a novel for class that, even well into the second semester of his senior year, he still intended to read in full.
“Yeah, it’s pretty much just ‘X’ major and then ‘factory,’” Carruthers explained as he detailed the results of his apparently fruitful job search. “I mean, what else were people doing for jobs, using I-Link? That’s absurd. How was I supposed to find a job related specifically to the field of English if U of I barely covers those resources? What, you think I’m just going to give you my interpretation of the black diaspora within Native Son for free?”
A junior poetry analyst is just one of several esteemed positions within the English factory located in St. Louis. Other professions within the factory include associate metaphor interpreter, assistant thesis coordinator, and even senior self-importance technician, a position involving the continuous release of hot air within the factory’s confines in case employees become disillusioned to the importance of their work.
Having said all this, it comes as no surprise that Carruthers’ accomplishment has proven controversial for those who have been searching for what they’ve been considering “real” jobs within their own searches for post-undergrad careers. Upon seeing Carruthers’ status breach the 150 “likes” landmark, senior engineer Donnie Bingham’s blood curdled.
“You’ve got to be shitting me, right?” questioned a noticeably upset Bingham as he sat at his Lenovo ThinkPad waiting for his Gmail to refresh with spontaneous job offers. “I’ve given Carruthers shit for choosing such a professionally inept major ever since I caught him re-reading Gatsby at the dining hall our freshman year. How in the hell is there literally a factory for English majors to work at, and I’m sitting here waiting for engineering firms to pine for me? This doesn’t make sense… THIS ISN’T THE NATURAL ORDER.”
While some like Bingham threw passive aggressive tantrums, others questioned the validity of an English factory in the first place. After all, what exactly does one do at an English factory? What services are being provided?
“…I mean, I’m analyzing poetry,” a confused Carruthers explained as he browsed Craigslist listings for his new life in sunny St. Louis. “That’s literally what the job description is, and I’ve been studying how to do that for like, what, four years now? Why is it so hard for people to wrap around their heads that I’m just doing what my major prepared me for?”