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A Guide to Distracting Yourself From U of I Graduation In Two Weeks

You’ve spent four years, hundreds of thousands of dollars, blood, sweat, and beers on a piece of paper that validates your education. The only problem is you aren’t ready to leave the safe haven of alcohol, friendship, and fun that is Champaign-Urbana. If you or a loved one is suffering from graduation acceptance, you are entitled to a list of options that for fighting your pain.


Get Wasted At Legends on Sunday Nights While “Doing Your Homework”:

Let’s be honest, you avoided your homework until Sunday night. But even though you have responsibilities, you want to have a Sunday Funday. Legends have the best combination of lit and chill vibes. Make sure you include an Insta post to let everyone know how cool you are.


Skip Your Class And Hang Out On The Quad:

Hmm…Passing classes and walking across the stage on May 13th, or getting a sunburn on the Quad next to a billion Quad doggos? Pro-tip: post a Snap Story with the Quad geofilter and an Insta Story. People need to know you’re avoiding impending doom with style.


Get Into Arguments With Anyone And Everything You Can:

Run away from responsibilities directly and directly to a random stranger passionate about a subject. They’re easy to spot because they’re usually yelling about sorority girls wearing leggings going to Hell. But if Brother Jed and Co. are too overwhelming for you, just yell at some chalking on the Quad. You won’t be confronting an actual human, and you’ll get your stress out.


Buy Sheets of Blue Guys At KAM’s:

Burn that cash, and stress, and brain cells, and maybe even your textbooks. Hell, flash your junk on the Alma Cam! If you do it right, you’ll be expelled and won’t have to worry about graduating!


Spend All Your Money On Starbucks And Useless Things From Amazon:

What pairs better with overpriced coffee and shifting into another psycho-social stage in life than cheap face masks and industrial quantities of thank-you notes? It’s a simple solution that might actually pay off in the end because your skin isn’t going to enjoy stress and dehydration.


Chalk Vague Warnings:

You’re freaking out about your life after graduation, so naturally make everyone around you just as panicked. Writing obscure warnings in faint chalk that will wash away later will read like foreshadowing paintings on a forgotten wall. Who knows, maybe even Brother Jed will find them and start preaching about Doomsday.


Only Write “Graduation” In Invisible Ink:

Lay out the ground rules with your friends to give you fair warning when using the G-Word™. iMessage’s invisible ink option is perfect for keeping yourself from inexplicably shitting your pants whenever the words “graduation” and “commencement” are used.


Literally Bury Your Head Under A Pillow:

The best thing to do is to take a lesson from the ostrich and bury your head in a safe space. In this case, slide yourself into bed underneath a yung pillow and call it a day. Going out in the real world is a lot like trying to avoid a deadly predator–at first, you’re trying to find a cute studio apartment to put your paddles and inspirational canvases, next you’re being arrested for tax evasion. It’s better to just hide it out on your double-size mattress until further notice.


Just take deep breathes and watch Bob Ross paint. It helps distract you from inevitable unemployment.

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