The late Hugh Hefner’s only notable achievement was in the greek system at Illinois, and thanks to a recent bombshell, a leaked lease has revealed that Hugh Hefner not only secretly fathered all of the original brothers of Pi Kappa Alpha (PIKE), but he decided to build a mansion to hide his guilt.
“For real, how do three hundred secret brothers live together without suspicion? A gigantic fucking frat house, that’s how,” Chet Logan, a bastard son of Hugh Hefner and former PIKE said. “Dad has been forcing us all to live in this beautiful, million dollar mansion so one of us don’t snitch him to all of our baby mamas. There’s just a bunch of Playboy Bunnies walking around and giggling, but they don’t talk to us. Now we have to take our sexual frustration out on our hazing and because we’re mad at our dead dad.”
As of result of the emotional damage done by this leak, the frat is now acting out in the form of blasting music at 8 a.m. If you originally thought such behavior was just obnoxious fraternity shenanigans, it is actually a rebellion against their dad who clearly overdosed on Viagra to birth an entire fraternity.
What else is Hefner hiding at UIUC? And who are the sex addicts behind the 47 other fraternities on campus? Don’t trust any old White man with a dick he can’t control!
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