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‘The Guys Are Great!’ Pledge Reports To Parents From Trunk Of Car

The parents of UIUC freshman, Erik Ortega, were happy to learn they were spending their money wisely after receiving a phone call from their son during his fifth week away from home. Ortega assured his parents he had picked the right fraternity during their weekly Friday night call while he was stuffed into the trunk of a 1997 Nissan Altima with four of his pledge brothers.

“We were so excited when the phone rang,” recalled Ortega’s mother. “He sounds like he’s really making some great friends!”

Ortega, who only moments before had been forced to drink excessive amounts of alcohol while being called a “bitch” by the coked-out brothers of Delta Rho, made certain to tell his parents about the fraternity’s weekly study hours.

“They sound like a wonderful group of young men,” said Ortega’s father. “Erik had trouble finding friends in high school, so when we heard how respectful and responsible the brothers were, I knew we wouldn’t regret letting him join.”

Ortega’s parents were overjoyed to hear about the fraternity’s networking opportunities from their son, who at that moment was sleep deprived and wearing a shirt stained with three other people’s vomit.

“College is all about putting yourself out there and meeting new people,” explained Ortega’s mother. “Sure, $1,200 a semester will put some strain on the family budget, but I know it will help him get the most out of his time at school.”

Unfortunately, Ortega was unavailable for comment as he was busy being doused in ice water and urine while reciting the Delta Rho creed.

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