It’s almost Dad(dy) Weekend in Champaign, and that means pricey drinks and creepy older dudes who haven’t gotten any since you were born. You have the choice to hang out with your dad or hang out with your friend Frank’s dad who’s way cooler than your dad. This week, two of our writers battle it out to decide who you should spend your UIUC Dads Weekend with.
Thomas ‘Paign: While the name doesn’t explicitly imply it, you should be hanging out with your dad on Dads Weekend. And I mean, why wouldn’t you? That’s the man who raised you into the raging alcoholic you are now. I can’t think of a better time than drinking your old pops under the table and peeing on the frat houses you pass by on the walk home.
Jungle Fever: But your friend’s cooler dad drives a Porsche and buys you Pearl Blue Guys and he’s wearing a jersey. Your dad pulled up in a minivan, only buys Coors, and he’s wearing the free shirt you got during convocation that was too big for you. Face it: daddio is not coolio, so ditch him and get on the party bus with Greg, your new dad.
Thomas ‘Paign: You’re a product of the man’s baby gravy; the least you could do is tolerate him for a few days. It’s not like you’ve been calling him anyway (which you totally said you would be doing, asshole). You’ll for sure get a couple of free meals out of it, and can swipe some cash out of your dad’s wallet while he’s drooling over the hot ‘21s.
Jungle Fever: What if you just switch dads for the weekend? That way, everyone wins. You just have to convince your friend your dad is cooler (good luck with that one) and everyone gets a dad. Your new dad has reservations at Biaggi’s while your dad wants to go to Olive Garden.
Thomas ‘Paign: First of all, how dare you besmirch the authentic Italian experience that is Olive Garden. It doesn’t even matter where you go with your dad, the whole fun in the weekend is all the corny jokes he’ll tell and all the amazing memories that you’ll get to relive with him. The weekend is really more for him than you anyway, so just suck it up.
Jungle Fever: Blah, blah, blah. I’ll see him at Thanksgiving. When I’m in Champaign, it’s time to bool. Cooler dad will only be here this weekend, so technically this is your one chance to wild out with him, even though you just met him. Your dad will be fine hanging out with any kid who looks remotely like you.
Thomas ‘Paign: Your dad wants to bool and he only wants to bool with you. Isn’t that sweet? I mean, for Christ’s sake, the man’s bought everything for you and is probably at least helping out with your college tuition. He’s sacrificing an entire weekend of lawn mowing and passing out in his favorite chair just to see your spoiled ass. You should be honored.
Jungle Fever: I am honored that someone would drive three hours (in a minivan, no less) to see me for one whole weekend. However, I am still going to hang out with cooler dad because he’s reliving his college experiences in a much more unhealthy, and therefore more much more fun, way.