October is here, and Brother Jed and the Funky Bunch are making their yearly stop on the Quad as part of their countrywide Jesus tour. Don’t worry about trying to make a good impression on Brother Jed, because he already doesn’t like you. This week, two of our writers debate whether or not you should hear what Brother Jed has to say.
Cham Bana: We should hear the man out! College is one of the best times to open yourself up to new ideas and opinions. Are the gays going to hell? Did 9/11 really happen? Who am I to say? Brother Jed may have all the answers. Besides, it wasn’t like you were going to pay attention in that calculus lecture, anyway.
Andrew Malone: Although those are important questions, there are already countless YouTube videos concerning the legitimacy of 9/11, and you can see for yourself if the gays go to hell because we’re all going to end up there, anyway. The college campus is a bastion of logic and reason, and mad prophets such as Jed should be ignored. Brother Jed is Fake News.
Cham Bana: There are other reasons to enjoy Brother Jed besides his legitimacy. If people-watching is your thing, look no further. Jed’s appearances always manage to bring out the sickest fucks in the Champaign-Urbana area. Last year, I saw a dude with neon green hair piss his pants while yelling “YOU WILL NOT DIVIDE US.” If that’s not comedy, then I don’t know what is.
Andrew Malone: I like people-watching as much as the next guy, but watching knockoff Shia LaBeouf piss himself is not my first choice in entertainment. And while Jed’s appearances do attract a lot of weirdos, they also attract assholes who do nothing but heckle poor Jed. I don’t want to see an old man getting verbally abused at my otherwise-wholesome school.
Cham Bana: Listen, I’m a lover of culture, and Brother Jed is the closest thing I’ll ever get to meeting a celebrity. Yeah, he may be a sexist homophobe. He might even be a lil’ racist, too. But the guy goes to over three hundred college campuses a year! The Rolling Stones are one of the top touring bands of all time, and they barely cracked 250 shows over fourteen months. I respect the hustle.
Andrew Malone: Never degrade The Rolling Stones like that! Listening to Jed is a waste of time, and by attending his “sermons,” you’re only helping him to spread his nonsensical message. I hate to go there, but would you be proud to watch Hitler speak? The fact that he gathers large enough crowds for him to consider touring 300+ colleges is proof that the joke has gone too far. It’s time for Jed to get a real job.
Cham Bana: Let Brother Jed stay in college forever! We all want to, anyway. Also, are you actually doing anything more important than listening to his ramblings? How many times have you “gone to class” just to watch Netflix on your laptop?
Andrew Malone: College is a waste of time, and so are the ramblings of Brother Jed. Personally, I can’t think of a more disappointing way to spend my time and tuition dollars than by listening to a crackpot with a biblical name. By all means, check him out. You won’t see me at that one-man show.