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A Hero Among Mortals: Student Gets Through First Three Weeks Without Reading A Damn Thing

Syllabus week has come and gone, and the first exams are rearing their terrifying heads, but one hero stands out among the rest: Matt Kleinberg, who has gone these past three weeks without reading a goddamned thing. It’s safe to say that he is thriving.

“He’s honestly a legend,” says Robert Bednark, a classmate of Kleinberg. “Whenever the professor calls on him, he goes on about the title for ten minutes and then ends it with a controversial question. That gets the class going for the rest of the class time. Last week, he literally just said the word ‘terrorist’ and 15 hands shot up to talk about it.”

But it’s not because he’s lazy, Kleinberg claims, it’s just simple time management. “There’s absolutely no room in my schedule for it,” Kleinberg said at the Union, finishing up his third round of DDR.

Some were a little less impressed at Kleinberg’s methods. “Matt hasn’t read any of my posted articles?” asked Professor Kramer. “What the hell? It’s like three pages! What’s his NetID? I have some scores to change.”

Despite his perfect discussion score, it was reported that Kleinberg received a solid 60 percent on his first Gender Women Studies exam. However, at press time, his score was in the top ten on the Union’s DDR list from an attempt earlier in the week.  

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