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8 Steps To Getting Laid, Since You Were Too Much Of A Loser To Get Into A Frat

Nobody wanted to offer you a bid after you puked your guts out at the foam darty and passed out on the front lawn after a late night. Whatever. You must just be too good for them. If that’s the case, then you’re too good for the girls you’re struggling to meet now, too. Here are some easy steps on how to get laid now that you really weren’t cool enough to get a bid anywhere.

8.) Go to office hours:
Your TA is a little fugly, and she’s probably just as sexually frustrated as you are. Pretend that you don’t understand basic algebra and show up to office hours. Everyone knows how hot it is to pretend like you don’t understand basic material. Top it off with a hangover. Nothing is hotter than the smell of stale beer in the morning.

7.) Take a shower before going to Grainger:
This one will really get the ladies. All the hot girls go to Grainger. Even if you’re not an engineer, you’ll be the best smelling one there, and therefore, the best candidate. It’s a power move.

6.) Buy girls an excessive amount of drinks and pray they don’t walk away:
This one always does the trick. It’s foolproof. Girls never use guys at bars for drinks; they’re genuinely interested in you as a person. Buy a shit ton of Jagerbombs and hope that they enjoy Red Bull. If worse comes to worst, ask for her number while Jessica’s creating a scene to get her away from you.

5.) Spend your last $10 on Tinder Premium:
You don’t have any brothers to spend it on cover with, so fuck it. This won’t make you seem like a loser at all. When they see that you don’t have your location or your age, it’s not a turnoff –– it’s a turn on! Girls love a desperate king.

4.) Ask girls for their number in discussion:
This totally isn’t creepy! Think that girl in your PSYC 100 class is hot? Walk up to her and let her know before even introducing yourself. “Hey, your knowledge is really sexy. I’m Matt. Wanna fuck?” Works every time.

3.) Shotgun a Natty by yourself on the front porch:
This gets Max from Apple Kappa Lambda all the girls, so why not you? It doesn’t look lame at all to shotgun on your own, you look like an independent man who can afford to buy his own beer. Maybe if you shotgun it and chant something frat afterwards, they’ll think you’re in a top house. Make something up when they ask you (they won’t know the difference). “Oh do you know Dylan?” Hell yeah you do. Well, you do now.

2.) Transfer schools:
Well, if you were too lame to get a bid here, maybe you’ll have better luck at another school. Blame it on the system instead of your dry personality. Try Purdue or something. If that doesn’t work, found a chapter of your own. If you can’t join them, have them beat you at rush in the spring.

1.) Have a nice date with your right hand:
If our last seven tips don’t work for you, there’s nobody that knows your body better than yourself. Plus, you know you’re not looking to actually have sex with girls, you just want to use their bodies to masturbate. Show them who’s boss and just take matters into your own hands. You’re your own man.

No matter which of these eight steps work for you, at least you’ll get your nut somehow! Now it’ll be easier to pretend that you’re unbothered even though you definitely didn’t have enough clout to be a frat star.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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