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ICES Forms? No Thanks, I Don’t Support Terrorism

Once a semester students are asked to anonymously evaluate the instructors and the classes they’re enrolled in. I used to be like everyone else, mindlessly bubbling-in the Scantron, alternating randomly between “strongly agree” and “agree,” with the occasional “disagree” thrown in there. Until I discovered startling information: these aren’t just some random survey questionnaires, they’re ICES forms!

Per the university, ICES is an acronym for “Instructor and Course Evaluation System,” and was developed on this campus to collect information from students regarding courses and teaching. However, it also just happens to sound like ISIS, which is something I don’t think we should take lightly.

Wake up sheeple, the university is selling your data, and it’s almost certainly going to the Islamic State. The one funded by Hobby Lobby! They know everything about you from filling out these forms, from how difficult you thought CS 105 was, to the fairness of the grading procedures of CMN 101. You bet your ass they know what your expected grade is going to be. These forms are used in approximately 14,000 course sections each year. This isn’t some small operation. This is a full-blown conspiracy.

Does anyone know where this information you fill out is going? I know for a fact that they aren’t getting to the professor because every professor I’ve ever graded poorly still has a job here. I’ve retaken ANSC 306 three times now, and they haven’t changed the name to Equine Science to Horsey Stuff, despite requesting it twice. TWICE.

This is direct evidence that there is something going on here. I’m not normally one to jump to conclusions, but they are likely giving your information to the terrorists, and we need to wiretap Robert J. Jones’s phone ASAP.

The Islamic State is a terrorist organization that has ravaged through the Middle East doing bad terrorist stuff. Regardless of what you think of our current president, it’s your civic duty to deny ISIS any marginal gains they try to get through underfunded state school classrooms. I don’t know how they’re benefitting from knowing how sensitive my ANTH 103 professor was to my needs, but either way I’m not giving it to them.

I’ve got better things to do than filling out ICES forms anyway. Like playing Fortnite, or watching Buzzfeed videos on Facebook. You know, important stuff that can actually defeat ISIS. Does this institution really expect me to spend five minutes to provide feedback for a class? I’ve already taken the class, I don’t see how this would benefit me in any way. I need to focus on what’s most important, myself and beating terrorism.

Keep the half-pencils without erasers in the bag, because I don’t need them. Next time you see me walking out 30 seconds after the professor leaves, just know it’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m a patriot.

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