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Ike Dining Hall Soft Serve Machine Destroyed After Breaking and Entering by McDonald’s Staff

The Ikenberry Dining Hall is in a state of turmoil after the breakdown of its soft serve machine. Campus authorities suspect that the culprit was none other than Ronald McDonald himself.

“This was clearly the act of someone with ties to the McDonald’s on Green Street,” said Champaign police commissioner Bill Gibbins. “The entire place reeked of Egg McMuffin and a trail of french fries was found at the scene.”

Ike worker Shauna Portis also has her suspicions:

“McDonald’s fries have a distinctly enormous amount of salt on them. They couldn’t have come from anywhere else. I’m sure they sabotaged our soft serve machine because theirs is always broken, and so we take all their business.”  

The fallout from the broken machine has left students devastated across campus. A visibly upset super-super senior, Tom Green, was especially upset after hearing the news.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” said Green. “I’m a diabetic. If my insulin levels aren’t high enough, I’ll pass out. And this is basically the only working ice cream machine on campus! How else am I supposed to get my sugar? Do they expect me to eat a crappy Dining Hall apple? This is not how you promote Hamburglar merch. They’ve lost my business for sure…unless I’m drunk.” 

In addition to the broken ice cream machine, students have reported a lack of napkins, and mysteriously empty ketchup dispensers. When questioned about the breaking and entering, McDonald’s manager José Aldo shrugged and simply said, “Ice cream machine is broke.”

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