Whether you have a special someone to spend it with or hitting the single riders line once again, chances are you’re planning on shelling out some Valentine’s Day cash on “erotic enhancers.” Thanks to our very own Illini Arcade, we examined some of the best (and worst) toys that could be used for everyday household chores.
“Fantasy Series” Designer Paddle II
Post-Coital Usage: Mild
Assuming you and your partner both agree that spanking is, contrary to pornographic belief, actually not arousing at all, tossing the leather-bound paddle might not be your best course of action. Adorned with fashionably rounded studs with finger-length grooves between them, this paddle is actually quite decent in spanking ping pong balls back to your opponent during rounds of table tennis.
“Fantasy Series” Sensual Feather Duster
Post-Coital Usage: High (and Out-of-Reach Places)
Actually, we’re surprised that people actually purchase these things for erotic tension (what, do you weirdoes enjoy the illusion of being stimulated by a tuft of bird feathers?). If you deranged lovebirds find that this feather duster is a little too flashy given all the primitive latex and rubber you’ve purchased along with it, it has a decent enough length to, you know, actually clean hard-to-reach places around the apartment. If you’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to feel sexy while dusting the top of the fridge, you’re welcome.
Candyland Essentials Marshmallow Fluff Body Icing
Post-Coital Usage: A Baker’s Dozen More Times
We already made a batch of holiday cupcakes and a cake with the rest of our icing, and they tasted orgasmic. Better yet, there was no yeast involved. We really want to stress the “no yeast” thing here.
Fantasy EXTREME Lil’ Piggy Hood
Post-Coital Usage: …
We, uh… couldn’t really find any post-lovemaking uses for this one. In fact, we couldn’t think of any bedroom use for this. Unless, of course, viewing Silence of the Lambs rampantly arouses you or you’re staging a bank robbery, that is. In which case, we’d still like to ask, “What in the good name of fuck is wrong with you?”
Post-Coital Usage: 6/12 Sides
One of the tamer (and less expensive) items on today’s sexual docket, the punny Paradice can actually save you and your partner from a multitude of prospective arguments and headaches. Using the die that isn’t filled with Kama Sutra-esque images, you can fairly determine who has to clean specific parts of the apartment on Sundays, be it the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, and so on.
The Robo Masturbator: Robo Suck
Post-Coital Usage: “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.”
If you find yourself contemplating why you spent $100+ on a machine like this during your post-climax existential depression, there’s always a chance to get more Robo Buck out of your Robo Suck. Considering this baby features “AUTO-PUMP ACTION,” “SOFT MASSAGE BEAD TEXTURE,” and a “QUICK-RELEASE VALVE,” we’re thinking this sucker would be a perfect culinary device for tenderizing… or at least making your food feel really, really good.
Dick Rambone 17” Cock
Post-Coital Usage: Near Your Home Intruder Bedside Baseball Bat
Assuming you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye on gag gift investments, when you put down money on a 17-inch dildo… you’re kind of stuck with that for the long haul (try explaining to your neighbors why you double bagged that “old baguette” when throwing out the trash). What makes this battering Rambone the best post-coital item on this list is the fact that this the heaviest slab of rubber we’ve ever manhandled. So what does that mean for the average, everyday consumer who’s afraid of the ever-present danger of a home intruder? A powerful slap to the face with 17-inches of penetrable defense. It may not be as hard-hitting as an aluminum bat, but you’ll sure as shit humiliate the bastard.
We hope that these economic breakdowns ensure easier and better thought-out purchases for your special Valentine’s Day celebration. Remember, despite what your partner tells you, it’s always ok to prematurely contemplate your purchases.