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Illini Sorority Girls Can’t Tell Difference Between Formal Recruitment And Deployment

With formal sorority recruitment at Illinois starting, sorority members are becoming more excited and also mentally unhinged. Although screaming for days and smiling until your face is numb may seem like fun to most, some sorority members are comparing formal recruitment at U of I to military deployment.

“First, I’d just really like to say that I’m so proud to serve my sorority,” said UIUC sophomore and Alpha Sigma Sigma recruitment chair Brittany Moore. “We’re Alpha Sigma Sigma strong. The way our ’20s were whipped into shape during boot camp by the drill sergeants was unreal. We’re all better because of it.”

The boot camp Moore attended, more commonly known as “Work Week,” is a mandatory week of brutal non-hazing that takes place annually here on campus before classes begin.

“A typical day of basic training for A Sigs recruitment begins with a platoon sound off,” explained Moore. “Next, we practice running drills. The girls dance, march and cheer for hours at a time, all in high heels. I bark orders at them through my bedazzled megaphone. At night, we encourage the girls to retire to the barracks early, which is how we refer to their dimly-lit bunk beds.”

Members of Alpha Sigma Sigma have reportedly been spending their remaining days before the weeks of formal recruitment by engaging in tearful goodbyes.

“I had to say goodbye to my geed friends, parents and boyfriend,” said Amanda Ball, a sophomore with bags under her eyes. “Rush is top secret and I’ll have no contact with the outside world. But it’s all worth it to get more PNMs than those bimbos in Sigma Sigma Alpha.”

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