We can deny it no longer: cold weather is here to stay and complicate the lives of weary Illini. Going to class was already a chore, but the frigid walks to the Quad make hauling yourself out of bed even more difficult. To make matters worse, many students are currently without a winter wardrobe, foolishly assuming that they wouldn’t need their winter coat until after Thanksgiving. If you are one of these unfortunate souls, here are a few suggestions to keep you toasty on your commute to class:
6.) Layer Up:
It’s a simple, elegant solution—the more layers between your bare skin and the cruel elements, the warmer you’ll be. Although a hoodie is not very effective on its own, combine it with your fine assortment of jerseys, tank tops, and Comfort Colors long sleeve tees, and you’ll be perfectly insulated. The downside of layering up so aggressively is that your friends might ignore you on Green Street because of how homeless you look. Fuck it though, at least you’ll be warm.
5.) Wear Your Comforter as a Poncho:
Struggling to get out of bed in the morning? Take the bed with you! Imagine walking to class cloaked in a luxurious down comforter, scoffing at the shivering peasants you pass on the sidewalk. It’s quite a regal look, and this bold, effective measure of keeping warm is sure to turn some heads. The best part is that if your lecture is boring, you can easily transition to naptime right in the middle of Foellinger.
4.) Liquid Blanket:
The walk to the bar is always colder than the walk home (it’s proven by science). There’s a reason the Russians and Illini alike are notorious alcoholics. Whip up some Blue Guys before class (which you can totally do now) or keep a hip flask full of whiskey—whichever suits you. One thing’s for sure: your discussion section is about to get a lot more interesting.
3.) Mind Over Matter:
This one is going to take some preparation, but it also yields the highest reward. Humans have accomplished amazing things through sheer force of will, like climbing Mount Everest or eating dozens of hot dogs in a single sitting. It’s all about perspective: if you were able to stay awake through your 8 a.m. physics lecture, or ice out ten drinks in one night, you can walk to class in the cold. Cold is just a social construct, anyway. Set up a strict meditation regiment, and push your body to its limits.
2.) Skin Campus Squirrels for a Fur Coat:
Squirrels are plentiful at UIUC, and more importantly, they are comfortable around people, making them easy prey. Go full caveman and hunt these rodents so you can fashion their pelts into a fashionable fur coat. Be sure to practice your pimp strut before you don this avant-garde piece of winter wear.
1.) Hibernate Until Thanksgiving Break:
Hard work and determination is a lie. Everyone knows the true goal of the college student is to get away with doing as little work as possible. You’ll have to deal with the consequences eventually, but for now, you’ll be asleep.
If your dumb ass forgot a single scrap of warm clothing to get you through these frigid months, never fear! Much like you’ve adapted to the constant construction on campus, use these tips to adapt to the nippiness of cruel mistress winter.