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Illinois Delta Gamma Breaks Up With Boy Following Android Discovery

Whether she’s Snapchatting her poke bowl, Instagramming a #squadgoals pic, or posting her sister’s The Odyssey articles on Facebook, a U of I sorority girl will rarely be seen without her iPhone. It’s vital that all of her friends are FaceTime and iMessage compatible in order for her to keep her safe from ever receiving a green text.


“I was FaceTiming my sister one night trying to decide what we should do, and obviously we decided to go to Lion,” explained Delta Gamma ‘20 Jamie King. “When we got there, I started talking to this guy that I thought would be just perfect for me. I mean… he’s a Delt!”

Although this seems like a perfect match made by the Red Lion gods, it turned out not to be the case.


“I obviously gave him my number, but when he texted me the next day I opened my phone to a green text message,” said King, becoming visibly nauseous. “It was hard for me to even respond knowing that there was just no way that our relationship could go on.”


Android users are aware that iPhone users feel this way, but try not to let it bother them.


“iPhone users are brainwashed, don’t they know that they look like idiots with their cracked screens and out-of-date operating systems?” said Delta Tau Delta ‘19 Brian Walsh. “If Jamie doesn’t want to text me back because of my Android, then I guess she’s just a moron. Besides, she wasn’t even THAT hot.”

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