The Interfraternity Council (IFC) at the University of Illinois has announced that it will start offering assistance to students who lack any affiliation with Greek organizations on campus. This announcement comes just after the fall recruitment season, when many students decided to forgo the opportunity to get out of $5 door fees at parties.
“There’s been a lot of conflict between Greeks and geeds in the past, but we figured this move will make both parties better off,” said IFC President Chad Larson. “We decided to take this action after hearing that only about a quarter of the student body is involved in fraternities and sororities. I’m no math major, but that means something like 60% of undergraduates aren’t, which is completely unacceptable.”
Aid from this program comes in a variety of forms, ranging from workshops on how to shotgun a beer, to a shoe drive to distribute pre-owned, booze-soaked Sperry’s.
Samantha Wiley was excited to be able to play a big part in crafting the program while serving as Vice President of Geed Relations on the IFC.
“Walking around campus and seeing young freshmen wearing Aeropostale is such a trigger for me if I’m being honest. Like, these kids have so much potential and you can tell they really need the help that we’re offering them,” Wiley noted. “I actually think this is a much better cause than my own sorority’s philanthropy, Foot Feetish, which raises awareness for flat footedness.”
While the university has faced many financial hardships, causing mass layoffs and wage freezes, donors have been quick to rally around this new form of assistance. Jim “Jimberino” Reagan, who served as Secretary of the Chi Nu Tau Fraternity in 1983, saw the program as a noble cause that will up the prestige of his alma mater.
“After my old man passed away in a driving range brawl, he bequest me the family law firm and I’ve amounted a pretty sizeable net worth from it,” Reagan bragged. “And I think it’s about time I used my wealth to benefit the ‘geedy.’ I’ve established the Jimberino Grant, which awards 10 cases of Natty Light for 25 kids who rushed around the previous semester and didn’t get a bid.”
While IFC has placed a heavy emphasis on providing aid for male geeds, the group is in the works of developing assistance tailored to female students as well.
“Girls who aren’t in sororities are essentially lost puppies who just haven’t found their way home yet,” said Kelly Foster, a sister of the Tri-Gamma sorority, which is rumored to have “like, totally the hottest 20’s on campus.” “I’ve submitted a proposal to IFC to create a pathways program that tutors girls on how to make their sorority into their dream home, teaching them how to foster sisterhood with even the bitchiest of girls. You know, every girl should have the opportunity to have the best big like, ever.”
For the GDIs who regret not paying for dozens of extra likes on Instagram, IFC has even created a program consisting of pledges scrolling through their feeds and giving even the goofiest kids a much needed self-esteem boost.
Homecoming? Isn’t that for old people?