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Illinois Just Happy to be Ranked #14 In Something

U.S. News came out with their yearly, extremely scientific rankings of universities across the nation and the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign was fortunate enough to make it onto a list. Illinois was ranked #14 in the category of top public universities, and Illini were just relieved that the university received some form of recognition this year.


“It’s so nice to just be mentioned on some form of legitimate ranking,” said UIUC junior Sammy Carney. “Football and men’s basketball are never good enough to be in the Top 25 NCAA rankings, and being on the Princeton Review Party School ranking every year is losing its meaning. It’s like, we know we have a drinking problem.”


Although some University of Illinois students are proud of ranking, no matter how low, some UIUC students aren’t pleased enough.


“#14 is fine and all, but it’s not number #1. It’s embarrassing a public state school in a state with a shitty budget lost to a bunch of wealthy nerds at Harvard,” said sophomore Martin Davis. “Whatever, I’m still going to brag to people that the accounting program at UIUC is the best program in the country so they’ll forget that we suck at practically everything else.”


The University of Illinois Public Affairs Office will be celebrating their new ranking on a large scale in order to distract students from their lack of available financial aid.

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