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Should You Invite Your Non-Illini Friends to Unofficial This Year?

Unofficial 2018 is happening March 2, and your friends from Wisconsin, Indiana, and all the other inferior Big Ten schools are begging you to let them crash at your apartment. Is it worth hosting them? Will they have the time of their lives, or will they receive multiple drinking tickets and lose their dignity? This week, two of our writers debate over just that:

Original Pancake: Hey, why not give those lames a chance? They’ve gone their whole adult lives without experiencing the drunken bliss that is stuffing one’s face with Wingin’ Out after a long, hard day of chugging green beer. If you’re really as charitable as you claim to be, throw the less fortunate a bone.

Andrew Malone: I am charitable– to a certain extent. But the truth is that U of I goes harder than most any school, and your out-of-town friends won’t be able to keep up. Why sacrifice your own good time so your geed friend from Wisconsin can experience puking in the Fat Sandwich bathroom? That doesn’t sound like a fun time for either party.

Original Pancake: Ok, for once, I agree with you. If we want to invite friends from other schools, we need to be able to draw the line. Your friends from ISU aren’t invited because “partying” in Normal, IL is actually the exact antonym of partying. Your friends from UIC aren’t invited because that’s the Walmart version of U of I. But everyone else who goes to Big Ten schools and has already substantially damaged their liver is invited.

Andrew Malone: This brings me to my next point: I don’t know if it’s worth inviting your friends to Unofficial at all. The entire thing is overrated. Sure, going to class drunk is novel. But bars are expensive, apartment parties are nothing special, and most of your day will be spent stumbling through the streets of Champaign like some kind of drunk zombie. You might as well invite your friends for a regular weekend rather than buying into the Unofficial hype.

Original Pancake: Your points are valid, but they will soon be obsolete. We’re taking Unofficial back! Back from the Champaign Police Department, Chancellor Bobby Jones, and the proletariat. Unofficial has been tainted by far too many rules and regulations, it’s true. But if we invite people from other schools, the fuzz can’t charge all of us $200 for jaywalking.

Andrew Malone: I appreciate your ambition, but I’ll have to see it to believe it. Unofficial is a shadow of its former self, and considering a kid died last year, I can’t see the rules being relaxed any time soon. Much like an actual communist uprising, the dream of seizing Unofficial back from the clutches of the administration is just that– a dream. I’m all for rioting, but the world simply isn’t ready.

Original Pancake: I can’t help but be a little more optimistic than that. Much like socialism will replace late capitalism in America one day, Unofficial will soon be restored to its former glory. It’s inevitable. Until then, why not make the best of it? A tame Unofficial is still a helluva lot wilder than the craziest party at any other Big Ten schools, so even if you’re less than impressed, your friends will have the time of their lives!

Andrew Malone: I want to believe. But after all the hype Unofficial gets, I can’t help but feel that my friends would be let down. Yes, it would be a fun time, but I would rather have them here another time; a time when bars aren’t so expensive and public drinking is far easier to get away with.

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