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ISU Student Murdered After Standing Up For Self

 

Illinois State University junior Max Holdsen was murdered Monday night, December 7th, at Joe’s Brewery. Witnesses claim Holdsen was standing up for his university when a still-unknown assailant beat him to death with a pint glass.

 

“So much blood,” witness Kerri Sarbs muttered, “so much blood on his ‘Spread the Red” shirt.”

 

“What a fucking asshole that jackoff was, bro,” PIKE senior Thad Dulee added. “Douchebag, Christ. I’m glad he’s dead.”

 

Joe’s Brewery owner Greg Moltar offered no comment on the incident, noting “remember Redbirds, there’s  a shuttle from Normal every week! Come out to Joe’s Monday for $3 you-call-its!”

 

Official Champaign Police Department reports state “victim was discussing successful Illinois State University football season with friend Pat Lomar when approached by unknown assailant.”

 

According to the same report, the assailant questioned the victim as to “what piss-ant school [he] attended?” to which the victim responded, “The same school who didn’t lose to North Florida or Chattanooga, and held tight with Maryland and Kentucky.”

 

The report also notes that as the assailant bloodied Holdsen with the pint glass, Holdsen screamed, “We haven’t had any sort of scandal since our old president punched a guy in the face!” and “you’re only going to make Illinois look worse!” before going unconscious from blunt-force trauma.

 

Services are scheduled for Saturday, December 12th at Redbird Arena.

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