One of the most notable aspects of UIUC is the vibrant bar scene, and the variety of drinks to get drunk off of. This week, two writers argue which flagship drink is better: KAM’s Blue Guys or Joe’s Lunchbox Pitchers.
Nhoc Nehpets: There’s no doubt about it that KAM’s Blue Guys are the much better drink. I don’t know of any other bar on campus that will get you drunk, empty your wallet, and increase your chance of diabetes and liver failure every time you indulge. Life is short; spend it drinking pure alcoholic sugar at KAM’s.
Andrew Malone: I prefer Lunchbox Pitchers for several reasons. For one, theyre made with orange juice rather than knockoff Red Bull, giving you an essential daily serving of fruit while simultaneously saving you from heart complications. Also, they’re served in a giant pitcher, which means you can spend less time waiting to buy drinks and more time drinking. Lunchbox pitchers are clearly the best choice for the frugal, health-conscious drinker.
Nhoc Nehpets: But I think you’re forgetting that you have to go to Joe’s to get a pitcher. The bright side of having Blue Guys is that you get to go to KAM’s, the bar that nobody goes to for a specific reason other than to tell their kids that they spent college at KAM’s. Joe’s doesn’t have an Alma Mater mural for you to take cute Instas and drink Blue Guys at.
Andrew Malone: While it is true that Joe’s does not have an Alma Mater mural, Joe’s ALSO doesn’t come with any of the baggage associated with it. You can enjoy your pitcher in peace, free from the shrieks of basic bitches waiting to get their picture taken in front of the mural for the hundredth time. Plus, Joe’s has three bars as opposed to KAM’s one. I’m no math major, but last I checked 3 > 1. The numbers don’t lie.
Nhoc Nehpets: Let’s be honest: nobody chose to go to college at the top party school of 2015 for “peace” and a lack of “basic bitches.” UIUC students came to Chambana to get wild, and your eighth Blue Guy may not be the most appealing drink, you can always dump it on the ground. You can’t just dump the Lunchbox Pitcher on the ground at a semi-clean Joe’s, because, you know, it’s semi-clean.
Andrew Malone: It’s true that you can’t just pour your pitcher on the floor at Joe’s — you’d probably get kicked out. While the environment at Joe’s may not be as wild, it also does not pose a risk to your health. Personally, I feel like every breath of air I take at KAM’s puts me at a significantly higher risk for cancer. I’m all for shortening my life through drinking, but I draw the line when I feel like the bar itself is detrimental to my health.
Nhoc Nehpets: Your points are clearer than my lectures in ATMS 120, but we’re not arguing about the cleanliness of bars. We’re arguing over Blue Guys and Lunchbox Pitchers, and if I’m looking for a quick buzz and want to look cool doing it, Blue Guys have to be the way to go.
Andrew Malone: I digress. But I will stand by my point that if you’re looking for a smooth, refreshing way to get hammered, Joe’s Lunchbox Pitchers simply cannot be beat.