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LAS Announces Online Philosophy Major Program as Influx of Stoners Admitted to U of I


The College of Liberal Arts and Sciences at the University of Illinois has decided to create a philosophy major that can be completed 100% online. This decision came after the university’s admissions department saw a surge in the number of stoners admitted in the Class of 2020.

Though college applications do not take into account the drug preferences of applicants, University of Illinois Admissions has reason to believe that this most recent class is full of more degenerates than any of the previous classes. Director of Admissions Stanley Watson explained several indicators to back up his office’s claim.

“The marijuana use of the students admitted this semester was just so obvious when nearly a quarter of the applicants’ personal statements had some sort of reference to Bernie Sanders or socialism,” said Walker. “We also found that an alarming number of students in the incoming class say they suffer from glaucoma and back pain. If these freshmen were 75-year-old ex-union workers, that would be understandable, but it’s far more likely that we’re dealing with a case of ‘reefer madness’ here.”

Since stoners love nothing more than personal enlightenment and hanging out day and night in their blacklight-lit dorms, College of LAS Dean Barbara J. Wilson figured that an online philosophy major would be a hit.

“We wanted to create a program that provides students with the opportunity to learn all about the world around them without actually having to go out into it. In the past, philosophy majors have been chronically absent from class and we finally found a way around that,” Dean Wilson noted. “I just wish there was something like this back when I went by ‘Mary Jane Wilson’ in college.”

The program has already been lauded as a success, with students of its inaugural class expressing enrichment found in the program. Stoner Mark Bukowski explained this newfound enlightenment.

“I was thinking about going to CU Boulder for, uh, medical reasons, but when I heard about the online philosophy major here, I knew that U of I was the place for me,” Mark said with a Tame Impala album playing in the background. “Anytime I’m chilling in my room, I just think a lot…I’m, like, a really good thinker. Just yesterday, I spent 30 minutes discussing the futility of human existence with a squirrel outside of my dorm window.”

Dan Rigby, head of the U of I Department of Philosophy, described some of the aspects of the online major that might make it more appealing to students who are generally drawn to this field of study.

“All of our online lectures have some pretty groovy visuals to enhance the experience for our students,” said Rigby. “Every one of these classes have some unique insights to offer. PHIL 420: Advanced Thinking requires a term paper analyzing Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of the Moon and whether or not life was real prior to its release.”

All in all, the university made a wise choice with the implementation of the new program. Hopefully in 20 years or so, there will be a wave of alumni leading the next philosophical movement: Cannabism.


Since when do college apartments have rooftop pools?


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