So you went to one too many Monday Night Lions, your GPA started suffering and you had to drop a couple classes? So what?! You picked up an 8-week class to fill the void, and now it’s going to be an easy “A.” Oh, it’s 16 weeks packed into 8 weeks and you have an unreasonable amount of homework between classes? Okay so this is going to suck ass, but here are 5 ways to lessen the load of 8-week classes so you can blow your load after another eventful MNL.
5.) Put Half Your Assignments Through the Shredder:
If you can’t see your work, it doesn’t exist! Isn’t that one of Newton’s laws or something? It’s more efficient than your dog eating your homework, at least, and doesn’t require half as much peanut butter. You’re probably allergic to peanut butter anyway, you pussy Millennial. And if your professor asks you where your assignments are, upgrade from a paper shredder to a wood chipper and Fargo that bish.
4.) Build a Time Machine:
If hours of watching Rick and Morty high and telling everyone you watch Rick and Morty high didn’t prepare you for building your own time machine to travel to an alternate dimension, what have you been doing with your life? Abduct an aerospace engineering student and feed them Adderall so they build a time machine so you can slow time down. Totally legal and not worth an Illini Alert.
3.) Make a Smart Friend:
Pretend you’re really into the icebreakers instead of ‘em making your eyes roll into the back of your head. Someone bragged about how they went to Lolla two summers ago? Oh wow, that’s so cool, so did you! Lie, then ask for their email so you can never go to class and have them email you all the answers to the quizzes.
2.) Ask Your Teacher For an 8-Week Extension:
How were you supposed to know you’d be doing twice the work, twice as fast as a semester-long class even though it said it right there in syllabus? The professor didn’t prepare you for this. That’s why you should come to them with tears in your eyes and ask to extend your workload into the upcoming semester. Cue the waterworks for office hours!
1.) Spend Half the Time on Your Assignments:
Spend half the time on your assignment and put in half the effort, and you’ll conserve the energy you need to pass the final! Slack until you can’t anymore. This class was half as long as a regular one, which is just begging you to half ass it to the fullest extent of the law. Only show up to half the classes, answer half the i-Clicker questions, and wear half your clothes to class. Treat it like a big joke, because that’s exactly what 8-week gen eds are, even though the professors don’t know that.
So you’re in way over your head and your GPA is going to tank even though you thought SOC 101 was going to be a breeze. You’ll live. And with these tips, you’ll either get arrested, pass the class or fail the class. So no guarantees except that the next eight weeks will be hell, full of 3-hour blocks of classes just like high school.