Todd Bennet, a junior and self-proclaimed masochist, was overflowing with euphoria this past Monday night after having to dish out $10 for cover at the Red Lion. As a masochist, Bennet relies on pain for sexual gratification and he claims that this event will provide him “a staple memory for the ‘ole spank bank.”
“A lot of people don’t understand my fetish, but why else would I be studying computer science?” Bennet added. “Anyway, when that doorman held up all ten of his sausage fingers a little after 10 p.m., I nearly erupted. And I didn’t have cash on me so I also had to pay a surcharge to get some out of their ATM. Ugghhh, I get hard just thinking about it.”
While Bennet might have been on cloud nine, most others were horrified by what they saw that night. Perhaps most scarred by the event was Nicholas Drake, the doorman who was present for the “sticky” situation.
“Right after I took this guy’s cash, he rushed right into the Cocktagon and came out wearing a different pair of pants,” said Drake. “The entire night this freaking weirdo was getting off at the fact that it took him 30 minutes to get a drink. I’ve seen a lot of messed up shit while working here, but I think this definitely takes the cake.”
Despite most people’s negative reception to Drake’s kink, the Illini Athletic Department has appreciated his continued attendance at every disappointing and painful football and basketball game and have vowed to pay off his legal fees for his public indecency charges.