With move-in day and syllabus week in the books, UIUC’s health clinic decided to take a more proactive stance in preparation for the imminent spike in sex-crazed students on campus. McKinley Health Center has developed a new line of defense against students’ sexual rabidity. The nature of the contraceptive remains a mystery: nothing has been reported of its properties.
However, the head scientist of Plan-C, Dr. Yuriy Bobinsky, did agree to share some information with us at his home. After introducing us to his pet iguanas, Dr. Bobinsky sat us down in his living room to welcome our questions.
Q: What do students experience when taking Plan-C?
A: At first, our subjects reported a tingling sensation, and then a cold rush starting from the hands and down to the feet.
Q: Why does this occur?
A: The transformation process is long, but we tried to make our subjects would be as comfortable as possible, and we assure a satisfactory result.
Q: What result is that, exactly?
A: I am a little confused — are you questioning my team’s research?
A: This should not be the case. We were called in for our expertise and we delivered the best results recorded in human history. See for yourself.
Dr. Bobinsky gestured to the iguana sitting on his lap, who waved in return. Nearly speechless, we asked if he knew what a contraceptive was. His response: “a what?”
In conclusion, we only recommend taking Plan-C if you want to be transformed into a lizard person.
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